The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

The U.S. Air Force, like Tom Cruise, doesn’t like Psychology and is desperately seeking a new method to keep it’s Airmen from committing suicide when being in the Air Force makes them want to die.  After studying the world’s two most authoritative texts on suicide, The Bible and Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, Air Force chaplin Capt. Christian Biscotti has unveiled a new program in a PowerPoint; “A New Approach To Suicide Prevention: Developing Purpose-Driven Airmen” which is required viewing at the largest U.S. Airbase in England.  This exciting new program will give sad Airmen the hot god injection they desperately need to live.

Capt. Biscotti’s first step is to look at what motivates people.  After all you can’t motivate them to live if you can’t motivate them at all:

Obviously anyone in category II is motivated by a sense of community and giving, they have a word for that in this country: COMMIE!  We can’t have our Airmen running around like a bunch of limp-wristed pinkos, they didn’t sign on to work in a soup kitchen, the air Force is about killing people!  Category III is humanism, and humanism sounds a but too much like humane and the Air Force loves cluster bombs way to much to fool around with any of that humane crap.  That leaves us with category III which “is the most beneficial, because if you love God… you’ll love man and yourself.”

You might think, hmm, humanism and philanthropy get me caring about people directly, why do the god thing?  Yes they would, but you can’t trust your nations security to a bunch of group-huggin, reds who care about people.  War is a killing game dammit!  We need to keep god in there to maintain a healthy separation between our Airmen and basic human feelings like compassion.

Capt. Biscotti also believes that “if we don’t know where we came from… then we are lost”, therefore creationism is essential to preventing suicide:

As you can clearly see, Charles Darwin is the godhead of the evolutionist’s chaos-religion.  Don’t let his heliocentrism and all that modern “big-bang” cosmology junk fool, you he believes that man is the center of the universe and wants you to be “self-focused”.  If Airmen are self focused they might just notice their lot in life!  If that happened they might get get upset because they’re being forced to serve in an unjust war where you can get your leg blown off and come home to the shaft because the economic collapse gutted the VA budget.  Luckily we have intelligent design theory (ID).  With ID when an Airman is screwed over he can just chock it up to god’s plan and continue to vote Republican rather than killing himself.

Capt. Biscotti also though it would be a good idea to give some examples of “purpose driven” people, one of his examples is friendly-fire-victim and former NFL star Pat Tillamn.  Pat’s brother Rich spoke out on the “purpose driven” nature of Pat’s life to reporters after Pat’s death saying “Pat isn’t with God… He’s f — ing dead. He wasn’t religious. So thank you for your thoughts, but he’s f — ing dead.”

Our country is truly blessed to have men like Capt. Biscotti.  Without true American heroes like him we might spend our national resources on socialistic projects, projects like like caring for the mental health of our soldiers with serious counseling or making sure that they have the support and medical treatment they need when they get home.  We can now make sure that our soldiers are always in a god-loving, not-suicidal, fighting trim.  We don’t need that liberal-pantywaist mental health crap when we have god on our side.

[Huffington Post] Thanks to Chris Rodda of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation

View the whole “Purpose Driven Airmen” PowerPoint here.

On a serious note unexploded munitions from cluster bombs have killed thousands of innocent children.  Please take a minute and sign The People’s Treaty.