The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Part of Rick Warren’s Evangelical Empire is pastors.com - a website designed to provide support to pastors who choose to embrace Warren’s special blend of Christianity. On the site pastors can network with one another, download a whole years worth of Warren’s sermons, and sign up for Rick Warren’s Ministry Toolbox, which is Rick Warren’s newsletter for pastors. Toolbox offers a regular injection of Rick Warren’s advice on how to “grow healthier churches” and answers questions like “How much does Jesus love those with AIDS?” (”This much!”) and “Why Does God Allow Evil?” (?).

Attracting our special attention today is a little missive by Beth Moore that Warren loved so much that he sent it out to help other Pastors to “grow healthier churches”. The message? “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

Warren’s hand-picked message for women is broken down into four points based on this passage from the New Testament:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV

It gets broken down like this - with helpful translations out of bullshit and into English!

1. Submission does not mean women are under the authority of men in general. I love the King James Version’s rendition of Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.”  Guess what?  Wives aren’t asked to submit to anyone else’s husband!  Just their own!

While I make this point somewhat tongue-in cheek, many women assume the Bible teaches their general inferiority and subjection to men.  Untrue.  Paul is talking about marriage as a matter between each husband and wife.”

Hey it’s not slavery if you only have one master. Oh… wait… it’s slavery if you have any masters. Whoops, well let’s just call this slavery something else, how about marriage? Do you like that? Of course you do, it doesn’t sound at all like slavery, and white dresses are so much prettier than chains.

“2. Submission does not mean inequality.
Paul, the same man who taught submission, made a statement in Galatians 3:28 pertinent to our subject:  “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Spiros Zodhiates’ definition of the Greek word hupotasso explains that submission “is not due to her being inferior to her husband, for they are both equal before God.”

So you’re not created unequal and Jesus loves you equally to men - but don’t let that get to your head woman! While you’re made equal, your place in society sure as fuck ain’t. Get your bitch ass back into the kitchen and make your husband a sammich or pie - he loves pie.

“3.  Submission does not mean wives are to treat their husbands like God.
The Bible Knowledge Commentary explains:  “‘As to the Lord’ does not mean that a wife is to submit to her husband in the same way she submits to the Lord, but rather that her submission to her husband is her service rendered ‘to the Lord.’”   I think most husbands are relieved they are not called on to be God to their wives!”

Don’t get on your knees to pray to your husband; he’s not your god - but It is your Christian duty to be your husband’s servant. Do you hear that? It’s the Lord, he needs you to serve your husband, any way he commands - SUBMIT! What’s that? Your husband wants a blowjob, what are you waiting for? NOW WOMAN, this is for the LORD! Just kidding; sodomy’s a sin.

“4.  Submission does not mean slavery.
Let’s release a few old notions and fears!  Paul uses an entirely different word in Ephesians 6:5 when he instructs slaves to obey their masters.  This Greek word for “obey,” huakouo embraces more of the meaning people often mistakenly associate with marital submission.  Hupaaakouo means “to obey, to yield to a superior command or force (without necessarily being willing).”  The term draws a picture of a soldier saluting his commander, not a wife submitting to her husband!”

Pay attention carefully woman, you must submit to your husband, you don’t have a choice in this. I know what you’re thinking - involuntary servitude mandated by Jesus sounds like slavery. Since Paul used a word that just means being ordered around, it’s not exactly slavery. Sure, it’s still involuntary submission and servitude, but hey, we use synonyms, so it’s all better

You might be kinda mad because Rick Warren wants women to submit to their husbands and live a life of veritable slavery but hey, he does allot for AIDS, so it’s all good yo.

If you don’t buy this sexist crap and all the lame excuses you can demand a misogynist-free inauguration by contacting the President Elect here.

[Pastors.com] via [Center for New Words] via [XX Factor]