The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

If you’re lucky enough to be in Los Angeles there is something I want you to do today today - march with the United Teachers of Los Angeles (UTLA). The State is poised to make budget cuts that will destroy some teacher’s jobs, gut teacher health benefits, and lower the quality of education LA’s kids receive (they’ll pack fifty bazillion kids into each classroom!). You can do something to prevent this by helping them shut down the streets around Pershing Square - this afternoon. 

If you care about fair labor practices and/or every kid in LA getting a fair shot at a decent education then I’m sure you’ll drag your carcass down to Pershing Square at 4:30 pm to march with your teachers. If you can’t make it at 4:30 the mob UTLA protesters will march to the State Building at  5:40 pm. 5:40 should be 40 minutes after you get out of your dead end, life sucking job; marching with the UTLA is the perfect way to revitalize the soul you don’t have. 

Oh yeah, teachers like drinking - you might even be able to mooch some booze, you cheapskate. 

[UTLA]

The German government is afraid that Tom Cruise’s new movie will inspire Germans to flock to the church of Scientology, thus destroying German democracy. Apparently when Tom Cruise dons poofy pants and a ridiculous eye patch he taps into the Wagnerian soul of the Deutsches Volk and his sweet song of L. Ron Hubbard resonates irresistibly with the essence of the German heart.

The German government refuses to recognize Scientology as a religion, will not grant them tax exemption, and attempted to ban it in 2007. They believe that the cult’s practices are ”a possible danger to democratic society” and aren’t taking that shit laying down - they’ve placed a sign across from Scientology HQ in Berlin reading:

“The district of Charlottenburg-Wilmersdorf expresses its opposition to the activities of the Scientology sect in this district and in Berlin, and hopes that responsible parties in Berlin will watch the Scientology sect with a critical eye in the near future, and that any new information will be made public.”

Those are some fighting words - I bet Tom Cruise is quaking in his poofy pants right now. Maybe some “responsible parties” will dig up some dirt on Scientology and the German Government can wield its mighty ban-hammer and finally run Scientology out of their country.

[The Daily Telegraph]

You know how some atheists are always saying they know the bible better than all those wacky Christians who actually believe in it? Well, there is a great opportunity for those special atheists (who happen to be 7 to 18 years of age) to totally show off their bible knowledge - the Bible Bee.

The Bible Bee promises “to build godly character in young people by calling them back to the lost discipline of Scripture memorization.” As such, it is the perfect place to let everyone know that you don’t have to believe in god to memorize worthless crap by rote. If you win you’ll not only show up the Jesus freaks with your superior bibleing, but you can totally take the time to mention that god doesn’t exist when you collect your prize.  That prize, by the way, is part of $260,000 in prizes that you can claim. It is your moral duty to win that money; if you don’t then some Christian winner will pour half of it into gay hate and then you’ll feel bad.

I’d enter, but I’m way to old to join. Besides, I don’t read the bible - I have much better taste in fiction.

[Townhall.com] [The Bible Bee]

Sorry again; we’ve been sucked into a few other projects and a move, leaving you without our usual little vignettes to depress inform amuse you. Here is all the old news you didn’t get here because we were busy stuffing shit into boxes and breaking a couch into splinters because we didn’t want to jimmy it through a door:

• It’s Ted Haggard week! Don’t forget to watch HBO’s new documentary about how much buttsecks Ted isn’t having after getting caught with his hooker/dealer - it airs this Thursday! [HBO]
• After that, you can be sad when he tells Larry King that he was molested as a child and that is why he loves Jesus drools over the menz. If you hurry you can still email in your questions for Haggard so that CNN’s staff can make sure they never, ever get on air. [Larry King]
• After the Ted Haggard pity party, you can learn to hate Haggard all over again by reading about how he had a “not consensual” sexual relationship with a young, male church volunteer and how his church paid the kid to keep his mouth shut. [9News] [Dispatches from the Culture Wars]
• Der Popenator has a new Vatican youtube channel where you can get all your pope movies. Soon the channel will be filled with all sorts of wonderful youtube comments like “if the pope hates gays so much why does he wear a dress?” [AP]
• The ACLU is suing a charter school in Michigan alleging that the school violates the separation of church and state by endorsing and preferring Islam. For those of you who don’t know what a charter school is, let me explain: a charter school is a school that takes over a public school and all of your tax dollars and turns it into a radical al-queda madrassa - the end. [Dispatches from the Culture Wars]

Samir Abu Hamza, an Islamic cleric in Melbourne, wants to make sure that men know that no matter what the law says it’s all kinds of Islamically correct to interrupt your wife while she’s cooking for you in order to force your throbbing cock into her unwilling body: 

“If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond… In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn’t got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force … it is known to be as rape… Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?”

Hamza is a popular cleric who runs the Islamic Information and Services Network of Australasia in Melbourne, which offers Muslims places to pray, spiritual guidance, a gym and boxing classes. Why does Hamza offer boxing classes? So Muslim men can be well equipped to beat their wives:

“What about hitting your wife?… First of all advise them… After you have advised them (not to be disobedient) for a long, long time then you smack them, you beat them and, please, brothers, calm down, the beating the Mohammed showed is like the toothbrush that you use to brush your teeth.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd isn’t having any of this shit and has condemned Hamza’s remarks:

“Under no circumstances is sexual violence permissible or acceptable in Australia - under no circumstances… Australia will not tolerate these sort of remarks. They don’t belong in modern Australia, and he should stand up, repudiate them and apologise.”

Now I’m totally Jealous. In our country, when some nut like Dennis Prager says that men should rape their wives, Ex-President Bush would try to give them a fancy job. Maybe now that Obama is president we can have some sexy executive proclamations like Australia’s. I won’t hold out any hope for this considering the kind of company Obama keeps.

[The Australian]

The Spanish Supreme Court told the Catholic Church it had to mind its own fucking business and reinstate Maria del Carmen Galayo, a woman who had been fired from her position as a teacher at a Catholic school. Galayo separated from her previous husband and remarried without having an annulment. She was fired because the Church viewed her as an adulterer and therefore unable to properly teach children how to eschew condoms and hate gay people. In the ruling, the court awarded Galayo back pay totalling $12,888. The Church is going to appeal in an attempt to block her from resuming work. Galayo needs to keep her job just long enough to have some lesbian sex so they fire her for that too, then she can sue them for even more money and retire and never have to deal with kids again.

[CNA]

Our artist's conception of Hitchens' pube-art.

Christopher Hitchens was caught on the red carpet by freelance reporter Angela Valdez who asked him if he had been doing anything “creative” with his pubic hair since his multi-part spa and waxing experience for Vanity Fair. Hitchens responded with all the class that a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black can offer, “Oh yeah baby. Do you want to see it?”

We asked our art department (a bottle of The Glenlivet 12 year and myself) to whip up an artist’s conception of what we think Hitchy Baby has done with his bush. Enjoy, I hope it haunts your dreams.

[fishbowlDC]

Robert Bork is out predicting that a “terrible conflict” is going to empower the sodomite beast and its legions of secular gay fascists to sacrifice the beating heart of Catholicism on a Pagan altar of equality. Bork believes that the new protections - which will protect LGBTQ Americans against violence and discrimination and allow women the freedom to exercise their reproductive rights - will throw down with Jesus. “We are going to see in the near future a terrible conflict between claimed rights of homosexuals and religious freedom.” Which sounds pretty cool, I hope the pink pistols show up.

After that, he rants about how nobody calls god anymore so he is getting lonely and that we’re a society that is “now going down a path towards kind of a happy-go-lucky nihilism.” So everybody - all together now - lock your arms, skip down the street and sing along; ‘god is dead, use your head, have some fun while in your bed, cause no god’s watching to judge your acts, so stay out of church and just relax’!

[CNA]

You may have noticed an odd gleam in Rick Warren’s eyes when he addressed the inaugural crowd. That gleam was his bigass Hitler boner dreaming that it was in a crowd of nazi-tastical Christians instead of fifty billion hopetards having an obamagasm. The fun loving (and insane) Christians at the Museum of Idolatry blog dug up this great Rick Warren mein kampf moment from 2005 where Warren addresses a stadium full of 30,000 people and calls them to be his Hitler Youth for Jesus:

“My friends this is going to be a revolution… what is the vision for the next 25 years? I’ll tell you what it is. It is the global expansion of the kingdom of god. It is the total mobilization of this church. And the third part is the dream of a radical devotion of every believer. Now, I choose that word ‘radical’ intentionally, because only radicals change the world. Everything great done in this world is done by passionate people. Moderate people get moderately nothing done…

In 1939, in a stadium muck like this, in Munich Germany they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said in the whole stadium, “Hitler we are yours.” And they nearly took the world.

Lenin once said, “give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I’ll change the world.” And, he nearly did. A few years ago they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings to the chairman Mao.

When I hear those kinds of stories, I think ‘what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in the stadium, followers of Christ, would say ‘Jesus, we are yours’? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?

Jesus said, ‘I want you to do this publicly.’ So what I want you to do is take the card and in just a minute, and if you say ‘Rick, I am willing to serve God’s purposes in my generation.’ I want you to open up to the sign that says ‘Whatever it takes.’

Whatever it takes.”

So bust out those pink triangles people - Rick Warren’s Orange County nazi-church army is coming for the gays!

Watch the video after the break:

(more…)

Obama went to do his private praying this morning before he went to the inauguration and gang raped the separation of church and state with Rick Warren. While there, mega-church pastor T.D. Jakes took the time to ensure that our nation stays strong by injecting his son’s science fiction geekery instead of scripture (which is a vast improvement):

“I say to you as my son who is here today, my 14-year-old son – he probably would not quote scripture. He probably would use Star Trek instead, and so I say, ‘May the force be with you.”

Soon we can replace all the scary religions (like Christianity) that gum up the gears in Washington with fake and harmless religions like Jedi. Then we can all snicker when some greasy Star Wars fanboy in an Obi-Wan costume gives the invocation and talks like Yoda. If you think about it Rick Warren is only really about a robe away from this as it is. Huzzah for progress!

[CNN]

PS: I know he got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up if you folks care and want to have a geek fight in the comments be my guest. I’m going to go watch Stargate, which is way better because they destroy religions and kill “gods”.