The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

In addition to teachers at your local school getting away with burning religious symbols into students’ flesh, they are apparently also allowed to expel students if they find their behavior “immoral or scandalous”… which pretty much means “if they feel like it” because that is vague as all hell. Two little potential lezzies found this out the hard way when their religious school in Riverside, California expelled them for hugging too sexily or something. Since the school is a private institution, it does not have to adhere to that whole non-discrimination law thing:

In ruling in favor of the school, the appeals court cited a 1998 California Supreme Court decision that said the Boy Scouts of America was a social organization, not a business establishment, and therefore did not have to comply with the Unruh Civil Rights Act. That case also involved a discrimination complaint based on sexual orientation.

The school is affiliated with synods that believe homosexuality is a sin, the court said. The school’s “Christian conduct” code said students could be expelled for engaging in immoral or scandalous contact, on or off campus.

No word yet if the rest of their students will be expelled for jerking off and worshiping Pagan god Harry Potter.

[LA Times]

It seems some of you aren’t too happy with our recent, nearly non-existent posting schedule. No, we are not leaving you all alone with the big, bad interwebs - but we do indeed have other shit to do. To help you understand this, I will provide a list of other shit we have been doing instead of blogging:

• Packing up all the crap in my house.

• Moving all said crap to a new house.

• Drinking (what can we say, It’s just sale after sale over at BevMo)

• Hanging out with godless peeps who are more important than you - now give them your money. Your donation comes with a bunch of nifty swag - including a member’s card and a small bag of fetus jerky!

• Organizing teacher union crap/doing shots with teachers on the way to this obscenely gigantic march.

Expect us to resume our normal schedule in the near future. Now shut the hell up.

[Atheists United] [UTLA]

Happy abortion holocaust day everyone! On this day a bazillion years ago women grew tired of dying for no reason and demanded complete legal control over their vajayjays. Some old white guys decided that this was cool with them, and the supreme court decision on Roe v. Wade was born (unlike so many feti since).

This court case is all that stands between Jesus and your womb, so don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate this most historic date. Here is a handy dandy list of ways you can celebrate Roe v. Wade: 

(more…)

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of creepy pro-life holiday, on which a million pro-life Christians celebrate back ally coat hanger abortions as the divine will of god. This made up holiday was invented by famous American douchebag Ronald Regan just to remind us - in case we forgot for a minute- what a total and utter tool he was.

While Sanctity of Human Life Day might have lit up the sky with the explosions of 1000 Planned Parenthood clinics across the nation, we will have a chance to respond this Thursday, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We baby-eating atheist liberals will celebrate this glorious day by purposefully getting pregnant so we can all get abortions together - just for funzies! Your Daily Profaner staff will make their own contribution by passing out delicious fetus cookies at our local fake clinic.

[Heartbeat International] [The Christian Post] [Planned Parenthood]

You must admit that the theistically-inclined would likely pack their butts into the pews with a greater frequency if their spiritual leader was a little easier on the eyes. A woman identifying herself only as “PeaceBang” recognizes this, and has made the subject of her blog beauty and fashion advice…specifically for ministers. The philosophy behind it?

This is the gospel of Beauty Tips For Ministers: if clergypeople believe that religious life is vital, relevant and beautiful, they should look the part. PeaceBang is fond of saying that if we do not project an image intentionally, we will project one unconconsciously. She believes that God has made a good gift in you, and you don’t bring an unwrapped gift to God’s party.

Clearly it wasn’t that whole snake/apple thing that pissed god off, it was how that ungrateful cow Eve let herself go. Good servants of god - don’t let this happen to you! Instead, get thyself over to Beauty Tips for Ministers right away, where you can find exalted advice on everything from bra-fitting to which lipstick you should wear to best serve THE LORD™.

[Beauty Tips for Ministers]

Have you strayed just a bit from your virginity pledge? In a night of drunken fondling, did you forget that you gave your word to stop at third? Perhaps you now find yourself facing a potentially awkward wedding night, but never fear - the Artificial Virginity Hymen* is here! This synthetic hymen is guaranteed to look and feel just like the real thing and even oozes a little smidge of red sludge so that your husband (read: owner) knows that you are completely his now that he has stuck his mighty er…flag into your ahem…untouched soil.

[Shreveport Times] [Gigimo] via [Jezebel]

*Now available in countries where lacking a hymen on your wedding night can get you killed!

Ever thought the monastery life might be for you, but were too afraid of the ginormous commitment to find out? Now you can satisfy your friary fantasy with no strings attached on a fancy monk “taster” weekend!

Monasteries and convents are advertising “try being a monk/nun” weekends as a way of encouraging men and women into religious orders. The number of monks and nuns is falling so quickly that very soon there could be none left.

Yeah yeah, we know about the low number of people taking orders, but haven’t these guys heard of the East African nun bailout plan yet?

Father Kieran Brady, of the order of the Redemptorists, said: “Like any organisation, we have to recruit. And this gives people a chance to experience our way of life and think about joining us. It’s a dip-your-toe-in-the-water experience.”

Hey, you know what? This here is a recession and we can’t afford any damn cruises this year. You’ll take your free monastery vacation and you’ll like it, otherwise you are an ungrateful nation of whiners.

[Guardian] [NY Times]

A pretty little graph chocked full of fancy statistics clearly shows that women just aint buying the whole religion thing like they used to. While there is an observable drop in both men and women who are taking religious orders, the men’s graph indicates a slight decline, while the women’s graph looks more like a cliff - a cliff you might want to jump off of before you ever decidide to take orders. 

So why the decline? In a word: feminism. 

For Father Rocca, the key is the emancipation of women.

Previously, he said, the socially approved options for women were either to marry and have children or join a religious order. He said it was no surprise that the orders hardest hit were those founded to teach or to nurse – two professions previously open only to unmarried women.

Oh, so now that you can have jobs you don’t want to belong to Christ’s holy harem anymore? Listen honey, he really does love you, and that Jesus is a good man. Sure, he’s silent type and you’re never sure he is listening, it might feel like he is ignoring you…but that’s just his way! 

The women’s movement and the broader choices it gave women also obviously contributed to changed attitudes about religious life, she [Sister Carol Regan] said.

Not to worry; the Church has a full-proof gameplan for getting women back in those habbits - recruit in places where feminism never happened and desperate women have no other options!

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A crazy Malboro Township guy who thinks he was “chosen” to “fight the Muslims” handcuffed his wife to a chair and forced her to watch religious programs while he stockpiled guns and bomb materials.

Ward was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is “clearly a mentally ill person,” defense attorney Jeffrey Haupt said.

Obviously; the mentally stable do not watch religious programming (with an exception for those playing drinking games).

[CantonRep]

In the latest news on the religious right’s war on the LGBTQ community, Florida Senator Nan Rich sees no reason Adam and Steve can’t be great adoptive parents and has introduced two bills that, if passed, will repeal the state’s ban on gay adoption.

One would allow gays to adopt; the other would leave it to judges to determine where to place children where both parents are dead.

Now, the second bill? Not such a great idea; you can have homophobia in a judge just as easily as you can have it in a law. Why do we so constantly ignore the wishes of children in reguards to their self-determination? Do these children, even while minors, not have some say over their fates? If two qualified sets of relatives step forward to care for an orphaned child, should the decision not then fall to that child?

Oddly enough, I bet pretty much any kid would rather go live with a nice, gay adoptive family than be homeless - but hey, that’s why we have to make these laws; children need protecting from their own wishes after all.

[Lez Get Real]