If you’re lucky enough to be in Los Angeles there is something I want you to do today today - march with the United Teachers of Los Angeles (UTLA). The State is poised to make budget cuts that will destroy some teacher’s jobs, gut teacher health benefits, and lower the quality of education LA’s kids receive (they’ll pack fifty bazillion kids into each classroom!). You can do something to prevent this by helping them shut down the streets around Pershing Square - this afternoon. 

If you care about fair labor practices and/or every kid in LA getting a fair shot at a decent education then I’m sure you’ll drag your carcass down to Pershing Square at 4:30 pm to march with your teachers. If you can’t make it at 4:30 the mob UTLA protesters will march to the State Building at  5:40 pm. 5:40 should be 40 minutes after you get out of your dead end, life sucking job; marching with the UTLA is the perfect way to revitalize the soul you don’t have. 

Oh yeah, teachers like drinking - you might even be able to mooch some booze, you cheapskate. 

[UTLA]

The German government refuses to recognize Scientology as a religion, will not grant them tax exemption, and attempted to ban it in 2007. They believe that the cult’s practices are ”a possible danger to democratic society” and aren’t taking that shit laying down - they’ve placed a sign across from Scientology HQ in Berlin reading:

“The district of Charlottenburg-Wilmersdorf expresses its opposition to the activities of the Scientology sect in this district and in Berlin, and hopes that responsible parties in Berlin will watch the Scientology sect with a critical eye in the near future, and that any new information will be made public.”

Those are some fighting words - I bet Tom Cruise is quaking in his poofy pants right now. Maybe some “responsible parties” will dig up some dirt on Scientology and the German Government can wield its mighty ban-hammer and finally run Scientology out of their country.

[The Daily Telegraph]

The Bible Bee promises “to build godly character in young people by calling them back to the lost discipline of Scripture memorization.” As such, it is the perfect place to let everyone know that you don’t have to believe in god to memorize worthless crap by rote. If you win you’ll not only show up the Jesus freaks with your superior bibleing, but you can totally take the time to mention that god doesn’t exist when you collect your prize.  That prize, by the way, is part of $260,000 in prizes that you can claim. It is your moral duty to win that money; if you don’t then some Christian winner will pour half of it into gay hate and then you’ll feel bad.

I’d enter, but I’m way to old to join. Besides, I don’t read the bible - I have much better taste in fiction.

[Townhall.com] [The Bible Bee]

In ruling in favor of the school, the appeals court cited a 1998 California Supreme Court decision that said the Boy Scouts of America was a social organization, not a business establishment, and therefore did not have to comply with the Unruh Civil Rights Act. That case also involved a discrimination complaint based on sexual orientation.

The school is affiliated with synods that believe homosexuality is a sin, the court said. The school’s “Christian conduct” code said students could be expelled for engaging in immoral or scandalous contact, on or off campus.

No word yet if the rest of their students will be expelled for jerking off and worshiping Pagan god Harry Potter.

[LA Times]

• It’s Ted Haggard week! Don’t forget to watch HBO’s new documentary about how much buttsecks Ted isn’t having after getting caught with his hooker/dealer - it airs this Thursday! [HBO]
• After that, you can be sad when he tells Larry King that he was molested as a child and that is why he loves Jesus drools over the menz. If you hurry you can still email in your questions for Haggard so that CNN’s staff can make sure they never, ever get on air. [Larry King]
• After the Ted Haggard pity party, you can learn to hate Haggard all over again by reading about how he had a “not consensual” sexual relationship with a young, male church volunteer and how his church paid the kid to keep his mouth shut. [9News] [Dispatches from the Culture Wars]
• Der Popenator has a new Vatican youtube channel where you can get all your pope movies. Soon the channel will be filled with all sorts of wonderful youtube comments like “if the pope hates gays so much why does he wear a dress?” [AP]
• The ACLU is suing a charter school in Michigan alleging that the school violates the separation of church and state by endorsing and preferring Islam. For those of you who don’t know what a charter school is, let me explain: a charter school is a school that takes over a public school and all of your tax dollars and turns it into a radical al-queda madrassa - the end. [Dispatches from the Culture Wars]

• Packing up all the crap in my house.

• Moving all said crap to a new house.

• Drinking (what can we say, It’s just sale after sale over at BevMo)

• Hanging out with godless peeps who are more important than you - now give them your money. Your donation comes with a bunch of nifty swag - including a member’s card and a small bag of fetus jerky!

• Organizing teacher union crap/doing shots with teachers on the way to this obscenely gigantic march.

Expect us to resume our normal schedule in the near future. Now shut the hell up.

[Atheists United] [UTLA]

“If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond… In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn’t got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force … it is known to be as rape… Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?”

Hamza is a popular cleric who runs the Islamic Information and Services Network of Australasia in Melbourne, which offers Muslims places to pray, spiritual guidance, a gym and boxing classes. Why does Hamza offer boxing classes? So Muslim men can be well equipped to beat their wives:

“What about hitting your wife?… First of all advise them… After you have advised them (not to be disobedient) for a long, long time then you smack them, you beat them and, please, brothers, calm down, the beating the Mohammed showed is like the toothbrush that you use to brush your teeth.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd isn’t having any of this shit and has condemned Hamza’s remarks:

“Under no circumstances is sexual violence permissible or acceptable in Australia - under no circumstances… Australia will not tolerate these sort of remarks. They don’t belong in modern Australia, and he should stand up, repudiate them and apologise.”

Now I’m totally Jealous. In our country, when some nut like Dennis Prager says that men should rape their wives, Ex-President Bush would try to give them a fancy job. Maybe now that Obama is president we can have some sexy executive proclamations like Australia’s. I won’t hold out any hope for this considering the kind of company Obama keeps.

[The Australian]

[CNA]

This court case is all that stands between Jesus and your womb, so don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate this most historic date. Here is a handy dandy list of ways you can celebrate Roe v. Wade: 

1. Give money to Planned Parenthood, an organization that is on the front lines battling the pro-life nuts and providing affordable reproductive healthcare, all allowing you and your loved ones to keep your wombs baby-free. 

2. Read The Story of Jane, the story of an underground abortion network and the people who risked everything to make sure that every woman had a choice.  

3. Make some delicious fetus cookies for your pro-life relatives, your local church, or just for nibbling on all by yourself. They abort so sweetly in the baby holocaust oven of your mouth. Nom nom. 

4. Have an abortion, box it up and gift it to your favorite pro-lifer.  If there are no special pro-lifers in your life, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush are always good standbys. Sarah Palin will raise your aborted cell clusters as her own, because she is just that fucking pro-life.

5. While you are down at your local clinic, pass out some rusty old coat hangers to remind women what their reproductive options once were. Then make balloons out of all the free condoms they give you because you know you will never actually get laid. 

If you do somehow get laid, don’t forget to yell “this one is for the pope!” right before rolling on your blasphemous latex love glove. 

[Amazon] [Planned Parenthood] [Wikipedia]

Our artist's conception of Hitchens' pube-art.

Christopher Hitchens was caught on the red carpet by freelance reporter Angela Valdez who asked him if he had been doing anything “creative” with his pubic hair since his multi-part spa and waxing experience for Vanity Fair. Hitchens responded with all the class that a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black can offer, “Oh yeah baby. Do you want to see it?”

We asked our art department (a bottle of The Glenlivet 12 year and myself) to whip up an artist’s conception of what we think Hitchy Baby has done with his bush. Enjoy, I hope it haunts your dreams.

[fishbowlDC]