The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

You know how some atheists are always saying they know the bible better than all those wacky Christians who actually believe in it? Well, there is a great opportunity for those special atheists (who happen to be 7 to 18 years of age) to totally show off their bible knowledge - the Bible Bee.

The Bible Bee promises “to build godly character in young people by calling them back to the lost discipline of Scripture memorization.” As such, it is the perfect place to let everyone know that you don’t have to believe in god to memorize worthless crap by rote. If you win you’ll not only show up the Jesus freaks with your superior bibleing, but you can totally take the time to mention that god doesn’t exist when you collect your prize.  That prize, by the way, is part of $260,000 in prizes that you can claim. It is your moral duty to win that money; if you don’t then some Christian winner will pour half of it into gay hate and then you’ll feel bad.

I’d enter, but I’m way to old to join. Besides, I don’t read the bible - I have much better taste in fiction.

[Townhall.com] [The Bible Bee]

For me, one of the more irritating features of travel (aside from delayed flights and lost luggage) is the enduring presence of a bible in every hotel room.

As you unpack your clothing and personal items knowing that moment is coming - that moment when you must open your bedside dresser drawer and push aside the Gideons bible to make room for stuff that is actually useful. It feels as if room service brought you a complementary dish that you never asked for and don’t want, and then left it there, against your protests.

You go to sleep, but you know it’s there - that irritating little book, intruding upon your rented space. You feel throwing it away would be too rude, yet its unwelcome occupation of your space is a persistent irritation.

Apparently Gideon’s International has now been at this for 100 years, and plans to be around 100 years more. The only change? Now their bibles are printed on 30% recyclable paper. I have not yet arrived at workable solution to this hotel room conundrum, but I ask myself, What Would River Do?

[upstate today]

This just in: The virgin birth is scientifically possible, but a really long shot. The catch? If there was indeed a virgin birth, that virgin would need to have genetically been a dude:

One possibility, according to Prof Berry, is that Mary may have had a condition called testicular feminisation. Women with this condition have an X and a Y chromosome like a man, but their X chromosome carries a mutation that makes their bodies insensitive to testosterone. This leads to their developing as a female.

Genetically male, and probably sporting ambiguous genitals, Mary would have been sterile. But had she become pregnant spontaneously, her child could have inherited an intact Y chromosome.

However, the author admits this is pretty unlikely and it seems much more plausable that Mary was just a slutty mcslutserson:

If there needs to be a rational explanation for the stories generated around Jesus’ birth, we are perhaps more likely to find it in a Biblical mistranslation or through a liaison between Mary and man who was not Joseph.

Feel free to use this amusing tidbit to harass your Christian friends. Mary was either a dirty slut or a gay homo - now choose!

[Guardian] via [Jezebel]

Check out the two shiny new bibles being put out:

The first is the edgy deathrock bible - for the angsty, eyeliner-clad teen in all of us, because apparently Christians are now looking for ‘em young ‘n goth. After he preforms his demonic Satanist rituals, this is the bible Marilyn Manson will wipe away the excess infant blood with. This is also the bible tween girls will read when they run out of twilight books. Oh, and the idiot who made this bible included photos of celebrities who are actually ATHEISTS, like Angelina Jolie and John Lennon - thanks for the shout out, asshole. I hope you also included the lyrics to “Imagine”, you worthless sack of flesh.

(more…)

A US Bank in Tacoma, Washington was robbed with a bible, last Tuesday.  Surely this is the first act of divine retribution for the blasphemous sign in the State’s Capitol.  The robber took a bible to the counter and told the teller to open the bible to a specific page where there was a note threatening to shoot the teller if they did not hand over cash.  After taking the money the robber said he was leaving town and promised to pay the teller back.

This robbery is part of a disturbing string of bible-related burlgaries including the Christian Right’s theft of Gay Rights in CA, FL, AK, and AZ.  Hopefully, right minded citizens will rise up in the spirit of gun control laws and act swiflty to restrict the unregulated and dangeorus bible trade.  By making sure that bibles will never fall into the hands of criminals and theocrats we can protect our children and their future.  Save a life, support bible control laws.

[Northwest Cable News]