You know how some atheists are always saying they know the bible better than all those wacky Christians who actually believe in it? Well, there is a great opportunity for those special atheists (who happen to be 7 to 18 years of age) to totally show off their bible knowledge - the Bible Bee.
The Bible Bee promises “to build godly character in young people by calling them back to the lost discipline of Scripture memorization.” As such, it is the perfect place to let everyone know that you don’t have to believe in god to memorize worthless crap by rote. If you win you’ll not only show up the Jesus freaks with your superior bibleing, but you can totally take the time to mention that god doesn’t exist when you collect your prize. That prize, by the way, is part of $260,000 in prizes that you can claim. It is your moral duty to win that money; if you don’t then some Christian winner will pour half of it into gay hate and then you’ll feel bad.
I’d enter, but I’m way to old to join. Besides, I don’t read the bible - I have much better taste in fiction.
You may have noticed an odd gleam in Rick Warren’s eyes when he addressed the inaugural crowd. That gleam was his bigass Hitler boner dreaming that it was in a crowd of nazi-tastical Christians instead of fifty billion hopetards having an obamagasm. The fun loving (and insane) Christians at the Museum of Idolatry blog dug up this great Rick Warren mein kampf moment from 2005 where Warren addresses a stadium full of 30,000 people and calls them to be his Hitler Youth for Jesus:
“My friends this is going to be a revolution… what is the vision for the next 25 years? I’ll tell you what it is. It is the global expansion of the kingdom of god. It is the total mobilization of this church. And the third part is the dream of a radical devotion of every believer. Now, I choose that word ‘radical’ intentionally, because only radicals change the world. Everything great done in this world is done by passionate people. Moderate people get moderately nothing done…
In 1939, in a stadium muck like this, in Munich Germany they packed it out with young men and women in brown shirts for a fanatical man standing behind a podium named Adolf Hitler, the personification of evil. And in that stadium, those in brown shirts formed with their bodies a sign that said in the whole stadium, “Hitler we are yours.” And they nearly took the world.
Lenin once said, “give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I’ll change the world.” And, he nearly did. A few years ago they took the sayings of Chairman Mao, in China, put them in a little red book and a group of young people committed them to memory and put it in their minds and they took that nation, the largest nation in the world by storm because they committed to memory the sayings to the chairman Mao.
When I hear those kinds of stories, I think ‘what would happen if American Christians, if world Christians, if just the Christians in the stadium, followers of Christ, would say ‘Jesus, we are yours’? What kind of spiritual awakening would we have?
Jesus said, ‘I want you to do this publicly.’ So what I want you to do is take the card and in just a minute, and if you say ‘Rick, I am willing to serve God’s purposes in my generation.’ I want you to open up to the sign that says ‘Whatever it takes.’
Whatever it takes.”
So bust out those pink triangles people - Rick Warren’s Orange County nazi-church army is coming for the gays!
Obama went to do his private praying this morning before he went to the inauguration and gang raped the separation of church and state with Rick Warren. While there, mega-church pastor T.D. Jakes took the time to ensure that our nation stays strong by injecting his son’s science fiction geekery instead of scripture (which is a vast improvement):
“I say to you as my son who is here today, my 14-year-old son – he probably would not quote scripture. He probably would use Star Trek instead, and so I say, ‘May the force be with you.”
Soon we can replace all the scary religions (like Christianity) that gum up the gears in Washington with fake and harmless religions like Jedi. Then we can all snicker when some greasy Star Wars fanboy in an Obi-Wan costume gives the invocation and talks like Yoda. If you think about it Rick Warren is only really about a robe away from this as it is. Huzzah for progress!
PS: I know he got Star Wars and Star Trek mixed up if you folks care and want to have a geek fight in the comments be my guest. I’m going to go watch Stargate, which is way better because they destroy religions and kill “gods”.
The nation is filling with that new president smell and a billion hopetards are swarming into Washington to celebrate the dawning anti-christ Obama apocalypse. It’s time for every media outlet ever to run an Obama story about how he’s realized King’s dream and will heal the country (but not it’s syphilis). Instead of fighting over who gets to give the new President the best media hand-job the Daily Profaner has made a special list for you - a list of three reasons Barack Obama is no friend of the godless:
Being a bigot is hard when you live in California; all those uppity, liberal-minded, civil-rights-loving hippies just love to heckle you to death over your hate-beliefs. Worse yet, if you donate money to a political cause, they have this Marxist transparency thing where your donation is a matter of public record. The libtards say it is about protecting us from pay to play politics, but good Christians know it’s all about OPPRESSING CHRISTIANS!
That’s why a pair of groups that supported California’s Proposition 8 (in case you’d forgotten, that’s the one that stripped LGBTQ Californians of their marriage rights) are suing in order to have all yes on 8 campaign finance records removed from public view. That way we can keep our society’s bigotry out of sight, were it belongs, so it can be the unchallenged disease that eats away at our society - sort of like prostate cancer!
The American Family Association is calling for a boycott of Pepsi because Pepsico has donated a butt-ton of money to LGBTQ/civil-rights groups like the Human Rights Campaign and the AFA want them to stop. After all, if rednecks can’t swill sodee-pop in good, Christian conscience where will our nation’s diabetes epidemic recruit from? As a greater sin, Pepsico promotes “workplace equality” and forces employees to attend satanic rituals called “sexual orientation and gender-identity diversity training”.
If you don’t want to put your health at risk drinking the diabetes-baiting elixir that is Pepsi, you can still get your LGBTQ-friendly commerce on. We’ve put together a list of some of Pepsico’s other products that you can consume to engorge your gay-loving, godless conscience without padding your waistline. Get the list after the jump.
The Pacific Justice Institute, a conservative Christian activist group, is attacking UC Berkley (with a lawsuit!) over a website the University put up to promote the teaching of evolution. They allege that the website violates Separation of Church and State because it endorses religions by promoting evolution and teaching all that science/evidence/reality stuff. Institute President Brad Dacus says:
“This [website] injures religious freedom in this country… The government is playing a role that is overtly hostile to some religious groups and denominations while favoring and giving greater recognition towards others.”
His argument goes something like this:
Religions hold different positions on evolution therefore any position on evolution is a religious position - even if it has fuckall to do with religion. If some nut has a religious position on something then EVERY opinion on it is religious.
UC Berkley’s website is all about promoting the teaching of evolution and science due to being the godless liberal heathens they are.
Therefore UC Berkley’s website is endorsing a religious position because some crazy fuckers don’t believe that science is real.
Since C Berkley’s website is taxpayer-funded (because we promote science education in this country) it is state sponsorship of religion.
You know, some religions (Scientology, Christian Science, the Amish) have a religious problem with pharmaceuticals and modern medicine. Since hospitals are taking government money to give out drugs they are taking a government sponsored stance that “is overtly hostile to some religious groups and denominations while favoring and giving greater recognition towards others” every time they write a prescription. We need to stop it! Someone, quick, call Brad Dacus!
American Jesus hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps will be giving one of those invocationish things at Barack Obama’s Inauguration. Naturally, Phelps prayer/protest will be a million times better than whatever Rick Warren says when he isn’t busy giving the gay inauguration parade doughnuts.
Phelps’ prophetic wisdom allows him to see that Barack ”the beast” Obama is leading American down an astroglide-slicked path into the buttsecksey ass of armageddon:
“Our God brought him to this hour and gave him that delusion. Read that till it sinks in. GOD DID THIS. Antichrist Obama is a work of God! It is for this very cause that God raised him up and directed all his steps and fitted him for the final battle. Call it the FINAL God Smack. It is that God Smack that will melt this world in a fervent heat.”
If you’re one of the lucky people who are going to be in DC January 20th sharing a handful of andy gumps with a billion hopetards, you can find Phelps in a corner of John Marshal Memorial Park on the north side of Pennsylvania Avenue. You should really go see Phelps instead of Obama. Seriously, what is Obama going to say? “Blah blah - hope - unity - change - hope.” You’ve heard it before, the only thing worthwhile thing he can say at this point is that David Plouffe will stop emailing me.
PS: If you’re reading this Plouffe, I’m serious - it’s over. I know we fooled around a little, I “voulenteered” and “donated” but I never really loved you. It’s time you moved on and left my inbox alone.
Rick Warren’s Saddleback church has a new marriage counseling program called “it’s just his way”, a delightful program in which battered women get told that god hates divorce, too fucking bad for you. The bible says that a woman can only get a divorce if one partner likes to bang other people or abandons their partner like a teen mother’s love child. They’re pretty broken up about it too:
“I wish there were a third in Scripture, having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse… There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, ‘If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.’”
Saddleback says maybe you should get some counseling if you’re getting abused, and if you’re getting “physically abused” you should get a “temporary separation”, but they’re isn’t having any of that namby pamby bitch got slapped and didn’t like it; a woman’s got to get beat to get a break:
“When I say physical abuse, I mean literally somebody is beating you regularly… I don’t mean they grab you once. I mean they’ve made a habit of beating you regularly.”
Don’t worry, if you’re in an abusive relationship you can still honor god’s law - just fuck someone else! Then you can get one of those Rick-Warren-approved adultery divorces.
Correction: Associated baptist Press has released a correction that replaces the article this post drew it’s quotes from:
“Editor’s note: This story updates, replaces and corrects one issued Jan. 8, which incorrectly attributed the domestic-violence comments to Warren rather than Holladay. ABP regrets the error.”
So there you go - it was really Warren’s “Teaching Pastor” that made the comments. While it was not Warren who made the remarks I feel secure in laying the responsibility for them at Warren’s feet - his church, his rules.
The number of children being home schooled grew 36% between 2003 and 2007. 400,000 more children are now savoring the joys of social isolation and spending their puberty lusting after the teevee. According to the Home School Defense League, the greatest reason for the growth was an 11% increase in home-schoolers who have a “desire to provide religious or moral instruction.”
This is because the righteous have recognized that the bloodsucking liberal schools will stop children from loving Jesus by exposing them to other cultures and teaching them science. Children whisked away from Bill Ayers’ Satanist clutches will be able to thrive in an environment where every answer on the science test is Jesus, and where pesky laws won’t make their parents spare the rod.
You know how some atheists are always saying they know the bible better than all those wacky Christians who actually believe in it? Well, there is a great opportunity for those special atheists (who happen to be 7 to 18 years of age) to totally show off their bible knowledge - the 
You may have noticed an odd gleam in Rick Warren’s eyes when he addressed the inaugural crowd. That gleam was his bigass Hitler boner dreaming that it was in a crowd of nazi-tastical Christians instead of fifty billion hopetards having an obamagasm. The fun loving (and insane) Christians at the Museum of Idolatry blog dug up this great Rick Warren mein kampf moment from 2005 where Warren addresses a stadium full of 30,000 people and calls them to be his Hitler Youth for Jesus:
Obama went to do his private praying this morning before he went to the inauguration and gang raped the separation of church and state with Rick Warren. While there, mega-church pastor T.D. Jakes took the time to ensure that our nation stays strong by injecting his son’s science fiction geekery instead of scripture (which is a vast improvement):
The nation is filling with that new president smell and a billion hopetards are swarming into Washington to celebrate the dawning anti-christ Obama apocalypse. It’s time for every media outlet ever to run an Obama story about how he’s realized King’s dream and will heal the country (but not it’s syphilis). Instead of fighting over who gets to give the new President the best media hand-job the Daily Profaner has made a special list for you - a list of three reasons Barack Obama is no friend of the godless:
Being a bigot is hard when you live in California; all those uppity, liberal-minded, civil-rights-loving hippies just love to heckle you to death over your hate-beliefs. Worse yet, if you donate money to a political cause, they have this Marxist transparency thing where your donation is a matter of public record. The libtards say it is about protecting us from pay to play politics, but good Christians know it’s all about OPPRESSING CHRISTIANS!
The American Family Association is calling for a boycott of Pepsi because Pepsico has donated a butt-ton of money to LGBTQ/civil-rights groups like the 
The Pacific Justice Institute, a conservative Christian activist group, is attacking UC Berkley (with a lawsuit!) over a website the University put up to promote the teaching of evolution. They allege that the website violates 
American Jesus hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps will be giving one of those invocationish things at Barack Obama’s Inauguration. Naturally, Phelps prayer/protest will be a million times better than whatever Rick Warren says when he isn’t busy giving the 
Rick Warren’s Saddleback church has a new marriage counseling program called “it’s just his way”, a delightful program in which battered women get told that god hates divorce, too fucking bad for you. The bible says that a woman can only get a divorce if one partner likes to bang other people or abandons their partner like a teen mother’s love child. They’re pretty broken up about it too: