American Jesus hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps will be giving one of those invocationish things at Barack Obama’s Inauguration. Naturally, Phelps prayer/protest will be a million times better than whatever Rick Warren says when he isn’t busy giving the gay inauguration parade doughnuts.
Phelps’ prophetic wisdom allows him to see that Barack ”the beast” Obama is leading American down an astroglide-slicked path into the buttsecksey ass of armageddon:
“Our God brought him to this hour and gave him that delusion. Read that till it sinks in. GOD DID THIS. Antichrist Obama is a work of God! It is for this very cause that God raised him up and directed all his steps and fitted him for the final battle. Call it the FINAL God Smack. It is that God Smack that will melt this world in a fervent heat.”
If you’re one of the lucky people who are going to be in DC January 20th sharing a handful of andy gumps with a billion hopetards, you can find Phelps in a corner of John Marshal Memorial Park on the north side of Pennsylvania Avenue. You should really go see Phelps instead of Obama. Seriously, what is Obama going to say? “Blah blah - hope - unity - change - hope.” You’ve heard it before, the only thing worthwhile thing he can say at this point is that David Plouffe will stop emailing me.
PS: If you’re reading this Plouffe, I’m serious - it’s over. I know we fooled around a little, I “voulenteered” and “donated” but I never really loved you. It’s time you moved on and left my inbox alone.
American Jesus hero Fred Phelps is a voice in the wilderness! Where others are too afraid to speak out against the sodomite beast’s campaign to include buttsecks in Dr. Martin Luther King’s inclusive message, Phelps is there to combat them with his message of divine intolerance:
“O, SNAP! FAGS ARE GOING TO USE MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.’S “I’VE GOT A DREAM” SPEECH TO JUSTIFY EATING FECES, “FISTING” AND “GOLDEN SHOWERS” (TO NAME THE TAMER, MILDER PERVERSIONS OF THE SODOMITE BEAST), AND HE HAS NO MORAL AUTHORITY TO STOP THEM. “FAG WET DREAM!” INDEED!”
Clearly he is speaking in tongues, the holy spirit is vomiting through Phelps’ earthly body. It must be divine prophecy; it makes NO SENSE AT ALL.
Fag-hating Jesus hero Fred Phelps and the cast of lovable wacky characters who attend his church had a little sign of their own they wanted to put up at Washington’s State Capitol. Since that wasn’t happening, they decided to make a fly music video to inform us all that our dangerous Santa worship will send us strait to hell, where there will be no Christmas, just Baby Got Back on loop, forever and ever.
Fred Phelps is sick and tired of being left out of all the hate going on in Washington; he’s decided that the State’s Capitol needs a special Christmas message from the “god hates fags” church:
“You’d better watch out, get ready to cry, You’d better go hide, I’m telling you why ‘cuz Santa Claus will take you to hell. He is your favorite idol, you worship at his feet, but when you stand before your God He won’t help you take the heat. So get this fact straight: you’re feeling God’s hate, Santa’s to blame for the economy’s fate, Santa Claus will take you to hell.”
Bill O’Reilly will declare that Phelps is a “secular progressive nut” in 3, 2, 1…
American Jesus-Hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps is tired of going on “love crusades” exclusively in America; he wants to spread his redeeming message of god’s omnipresent hatred to every corner of the world. It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey in Kansas; which makes Phelps’ Topeka based church the perfect training ground for an evangelical incursion into Canada.
Phelps was unable to penetrate Canada’s tricky southern frontier last week, but don’t be dismayed - his righteous message will set the hearts of Canada ablaze yet! A cadre of six christ-commandos, led by Phelps, will once again throw themselves like martyrs on the savage mercies of the Canadian mounties. Their goal: a high school theater production of The Laramie Project. They will bring the “good news” to Uxbridge, a town outside Toronto, with signs saying “God Hates Canada,” “Fear God” and “Hell is real, ask Matt.”
Since the town is too small to have any hotels, Phelps plans on seeking out a manger for shelter.
Fred Phelps was scheduled to take his wrath-of-god circus on the road to Vancouver this weekend. The target was a showing of the “fag enabling” The Laramie Project, a play about the murder of Matthew Shepard.
Canadian authorities, citing privacy, would not say whether or not Phelps was turned away at the Canadian border. We know that Phelps is too righteous to fall for any of godless Canada’s tricks, we can only assume he is still in Portland trying to find the Swedish Embassy that Gay-Satan hid from him the other week.
The crowd of LGBTQ and civil rights minded heathens that gathered to counter protest Phelps, being the satanistical-hedonists they are, had a giant gay pride orgy in the streets.
Fred Phelps of everyone’s favorite “God Hates Fags” Westboro Baptist church has a fun website that is part atlas and part god’s holy fury. The fun animated map will help you find out why god hates a particular part of the earth. Once there you can find out exactly what god’s so angry about and even what he’s doing to punish them heathens!
Trevor Melanson of The Brock Press had a chance encounter with a cab driver who turned out to be of none other than the son Fred “god hates fags” Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church. Nate Phelps was kind enough to talk about growing up under his father and his life after he escaped. This is what his childhood was like:
“The mattock, a close cousin of the pickaxe… Its handle is a three-foot wooden shaft, twice the density of a baseball bat, and its dual-sided iron head is comprised of a chisel and a pick.
It was Pastor Fred Phelps’ weapon of choice when beating his children, says his son, Nate Phelps.
“The Bible says: ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child,’ and he would be screaming that out as he was beating us,” said Nate.
One Christmas night, Nate says Pastor Phelps hit him over 200 times with a mattock’s handle, swinging it like a baseball player.”
American Jesus hero Fred Phelps lead his army out of his “God Hates Fags” church in Kansas to bring his “Love Crusade” to Portland. He was planning to picket the Swedish consulate in Portland but the Devil (who is the eternal king of Sweden) closed it just to make god’s righteous warriors look like fools.
Despite Satan’s wicked trickery they were able to to battle with hell bound-sodomite-secular gay fascists who tempted god’s holy wrath with signs like “I seriously doubt that god hates fags” and “Peace is what we do”. Phelps reminded them that god hates peace almost as much as he hates fags.
American Jesus hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps will be giving one of those invocationish things at Barack Obama’s Inauguration. Naturally, Phelps prayer/protest will be a million times better than whatever Rick Warren says when he isn’t busy giving the 
American Jesus hero Fred Phelps is a voice in the wilderness! Where others are too afraid to speak out against the sodomite beast’s campaign to include buttsecks in Dr. Martin Luther King’s inclusive message, Phelps is there to combat them with his message of divine intolerance:
Fred Phelps is sick and tired of being left out of all the 
American Jesus-Hero Fred “god hates fags” Phelps is tired of going on “
Fred Phelps was scheduled to take his wrath-of-god circus on the road to Vancouver this weekend. The target was a showing of the “fag enabling” 
Fred Phelps of everyone’s favorite “God Hates Fags” Westboro Baptist church has a fun 
American Jesus hero Fred Phelps lead his army out of his “God Hates Fags” church in Kansas to bring his