The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Well, it looks like we survived another year in spite of ourselves. We managed to get through the “war on Christmas” unscathed while protecting our gag reflexes during the season of “Christian values” being jammed down our unwilling throats.  Now that we’re through the godly holiday season, it’s time for one of the best hedonistic holidays - New Year’s Eve! So find your champagne, a lovely partner, and some drinking buddies; it’s time to enjoy your life - your godless, drunken, debaucherous life. Happy New Year!

One of the darker secrets of The Daily Profaner is our secret cadre of clandestine operatives who are sent out on dangerous missions to keep you informed.  Our Washington operative - codenamed Marguerite Duras - has risked her life to infiltrate the battle lines of the war on Christmas and bring you pictures from inside the Washington State Capitol in Olympia.  These pictures aren’t for the faint of heart; the war on Christmas is a bloody one. If you’re brave enough, hit the jump and check out the full gallery.

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Times are tough and millions of American men are struggling to find the perfect holiday gift at a low price. Many of these men will no doubt turn within for inspiration and give the gift of lust this holiday season. If you’re feeling like safety denies you the intimacy you seek… go get kicked in the head - then buy some Christmas Sheath condoms!  This Winter, after she unwraps your special present, wrap it right back up with a condom and shout “THIS ONE’S FOR THE POPE” before making some sweaty holiday love. 

[Condomainia]

Public Service Announcement: if you’re the kind of asshole who doesn’t like condoms, fuck you.  You may whine that a little latex means that it doesn’t feel as good, but I’m sure it feels better than herpes. If you can’t afford condoms, Planned Parenthood would love to hook you up - while you’re there get an std test too.

The only good Christmas is an undead Christmas! Last Saturday the SoCal Zombie Walk group organized a walk to spread “Yule Tide Fear” in Pasadena, California. The event doubled as a Toys For Tots toy drive. Word on the street has it that zombie prince Jesus is quite pleased with this undead philanthropic effort, as he is himself a concerned member of the undead community.

For those of you wondering just what the heck a zombie walk is:

A zombie walk (also known as a zombie mob, zombie march, zombie horde, zombie lurch, zombie shuffle or zombie pub crawl) is an organized public gathering of people who dress up in zombie costumes. Usually taking place in an urban centre, the participants make their way around the city streets and through shopping malls in a somewhat orderly fashion and often limping their way towards a local cemetery or other public space (a series of taverns in the case of a zombie pub crawl).

Now enjoy some of the best Xmas-themed zombie walk snapshots in photographic history:

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Anjem Choudary, a Muslim lawyer and preacher, has used the grand mosque of the Internet (which can easily seat millions) to give the baby Jesus a major Islamic titty-twister:

“Every Muslim has a responsibility to protect his family from the misguidance of Christmas, because its observance will lead to hellfire. Protect your Paradise from being taken away – protect yourself and your family from Christmas.”

We must heed these most holy words; too long have we let our families engage in terrible, sinful activities like “decorating the house, purchasing Christmas trees or having Christmas turkey meals.”  Clearly we must banish this evil from among us - our children should be raised form the cradle to cock-punch mall Santas on sight for the glory of Allah.

[The Daily Telegraph via Pharyngula]

The Freethought Society of Greater Philadelphia is honoring an ancient Christmas tradition, hijacking someone else’s culture.  They are putting up their second annual holiday display, a “godless holiday tree,” on the lawn of the old Chester County Courthouse.  The lawn is open to all displays and the sign will join a giant plastic Christmas tree, a Nativity scene and a Menorah. The Society calls it the ”Tree of Knowledge.” They are clearly blaspheming liars - this godless tree has no apples or talking snakes on it.

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In Amsterdam wicked men are lashing out at the very soul of Christendom!  These vandals are unlike any we’ve seen before; they aren’t ruining Christmas by slaughtering all the children of Bethlehem or by putting up blasphemous signs in state capitols - this time they’re acting just like Christians and appropriating a holiday for their own deviant purpose.

ProGay - a Dutch LGBTQ activist group - is planning the first ever “Pink Christmas” event.  In addition to unleashing a horde of godless sodomites on the vile streets of Amsterdam, the festival will display a nativity scene which displays two sets of parents for baby Jesus. One couple is a pair of Joesephs doing the Adam and Steve thing, the other is a set of married Marys.  ProGay Chairman Frank van Dalen says that he wants his sinful buttbuddy pals to have an opportunity to participate in public religious events, like Christmas.  For the LGBTQ community, van Dalen says, “Right now [the holidays], there’s not much to do.” Maybe there isn’t much to do if you’re a hedonistic muff-muncher,  but idle hands are the devil’s playthings, so the righteous always find something to do - and this season it’s keeping gays down.

[San Francisco Chronicle via WorldNet Daily]

Are you sitting at home wishing Jesus Santa would bring you a copy of Bill O’Reilly’s new book A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity, O’Reilly’s memoir of how a little boy went from being beaten by nuns in Catholic school to abusing American culture and sexually harassing women with falafels?  Don’t worry - Parade Magazine has got you covered with a Bill O’Reilly Christmas quiz!  I totally failed the quiz because I am a godless heathen and therefore way too much a ‘communist-secular-progressive-nut’ to win “The Great American Holiday Quiz”.  Since you’re probably also a godless heathen, I put together a helpful guide to some of the tough questions on the quiz so you can take part in another great American tradition - cheating.

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It’s time for a journey down the asshole rabbit hole and into the whimsical world that is Bill O’Reilly’s mind.  O’Reilly is out there promoting the all-time Christmas battle-royale, a rumble for the very heart of our civilization:  Jesus the CHRIST verses the Beast of Beats, the terror of Terrors - THE ATHEISTS.  This holiday season, in the epic Washington State Capitol; two men enter, ONE MAN LEAVES!

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I’ve seen a number of different holiday giving guides pop up around the blogosphere and there was something lacking, SAFE SEX.  If you end up on a  bunch of insane Christian blogs like I do you’ll quickly learn the only thing they hate more than gay people loving each other is abortion.  Naturally, to their mind Planned Parenthood is as good as the militant wing of the Church of Satan.  They’re beside themselves with rage because Planned Parenthood of Indiana is offering gift certificates for the holiday season.  If you’ve got a nutty pro-life Christian on your gift list, and you think the fetus cookie cutter isn’t for them, send them a Planned Parenthood gift certificate.  Even if they’re not in Indiana to use it, the look on their face when they open their present will be a priceless moment you can treasure for ever.

[Christian Broadcasting Network, LifeNews, Fox News, EVERY Right Wing Religious Blog Ever]

You can purchase Planned Parenthood gift certificates here.  They can be redeemed for health services at any Planned Parenthood of Indiana location.