The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Samir Abu Hamza, an Islamic cleric in Melbourne, wants to make sure that men know that no matter what the law says it’s all kinds of Islamically correct to interrupt your wife while she’s cooking for you in order to force your throbbing cock into her unwilling body: 

“If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond… In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn’t got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force … it is known to be as rape… Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?”

Hamza is a popular cleric who runs the Islamic Information and Services Network of Australasia in Melbourne, which offers Muslims places to pray, spiritual guidance, a gym and boxing classes. Why does Hamza offer boxing classes? So Muslim men can be well equipped to beat their wives:

“What about hitting your wife?… First of all advise them… After you have advised them (not to be disobedient) for a long, long time then you smack them, you beat them and, please, brothers, calm down, the beating the Mohammed showed is like the toothbrush that you use to brush your teeth.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd isn’t having any of this shit and has condemned Hamza’s remarks:

“Under no circumstances is sexual violence permissible or acceptable in Australia - under no circumstances… Australia will not tolerate these sort of remarks. They don’t belong in modern Australia, and he should stand up, repudiate them and apologise.”

Now I’m totally Jealous. In our country, when some nut like Dennis Prager says that men should rape their wives, Ex-President Bush would try to give them a fancy job. Maybe now that Obama is president we can have some sexy executive proclamations like Australia’s. I won’t hold out any hope for this considering the kind of company Obama keeps.

[The Australian]

In real American fashion it’s time for you to feel better because somewhere else sucks more! When you’re unhappy because Obama says “so help me god” after Rick Warren publicly fellates a crucifix and Obama’s lady Pastor leads the nation in a pagan sex ritual, you can at least feel happy that you’re not in Afghanistan.

Far from having an informal/traditional god statement clamped on to the back of their presidential oath, theirs begins ”In the name Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate.” To make matters better, they’d probably stone or hang us all for blasphemy because we have that secular constitution of ours.

Not to worry - within a few years anti-christ Muslim atheist Barack Obama will sacrifice the congress to the lord below and unilaterally sign a new amendment that declares this country to be the Wiccan Caliphate of United Buttsecks and stone you all to death after he is inaugurated into his second term for life and swears his loyalty to the liberal-communist godhead Bill Ayers.

[Washington Post]

The Iranian government raided Nobel Peace Laureate Shirin Ebadi’s Tehran Law office last week. Agents seized computers and documents containing information on her clients, most of whom are dissidents and activists fighting to liberate Iran from Islamic fundamentalism. This raid followed two other raids on organizations run by Ebadi. Fellow Peace Laureate Jody Williams fears that these raids may lead to Ebadi’s Arrest:

“There is now grave danger to both Dr. Ebadi, who fears an imminent arrest, and to her many human rights clients, whose basic human rights and lawyer/client privileges have been compromised by this seizure of their confidential files… Dr. Ebadi is deeply concerned that the lives of many dozens of people are now in jeopardy as a result of yesterday’s illegal raid.”

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A Muslim family was taken off of an AirTran flight from Washington D.C. to Orlando, when an issue arose. The FBI cleared them of any wrongdoing, yet AirTran refused to let the people back onto the plane or rebook them. The family consisted of two brothers and their wives, their sister, three children, and a family friend who were all traveling to visit family and attend a religious conference. While boarding the flight they were discussing where the safest seats were, in case of an accident. Apparently some bigots on the plane decided that the safest seats were on the plane without a family of Muslims on it so they went to a flight attendant and accused the whole family of being terrorists.

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Earlier this month Georgia Judge Keith Rollins put on a hood and burned a cross sent a muslim woman to jail for ten days for wearing her hijab in the courtroom, even though the Court dresscode specifically permits headwear worn “for religious purposes”. The woman was released in less than a day, as Muslim activists acted quickly to free her. In order to prevent any future spastic bigot fits, the judge and all City Court staff in Alanta will undergo sensitivity training in a new program called DON’T BE A RACIST HICK!

[AP] [Image from Jay Spears music video SMAK DEM CHRISTIANS DOWN]

This time of year a million angry Christians take up arms and scream about secularism destroying sacred traditions. In Egypt, however, they have a real problem with religion destroying the sacred institutions of their culture - and by sacred institutions, I mean bars.

Once upon a time, Downtown Cairo had a bustling, alcohol-soaked nightlife and a fairly tolerant, liberal society - except for it’s monarchical rule.  In the years since the monarchy’s ousting, the country has become increasingly restrictive religiously due to more and more people turning to the strict brand of Islam practiced in Saudi Arabia. These newer, more devout Muslims are gunning for Cairo’s right to drink.

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Anjem Choudary, a Muslim lawyer and preacher, has used the grand mosque of the Internet (which can easily seat millions) to give the baby Jesus a major Islamic titty-twister:

“Every Muslim has a responsibility to protect his family from the misguidance of Christmas, because its observance will lead to hellfire. Protect your Paradise from being taken away – protect yourself and your family from Christmas.”

We must heed these most holy words; too long have we let our families engage in terrible, sinful activities like “decorating the house, purchasing Christmas trees or having Christmas turkey meals.”  Clearly we must banish this evil from among us - our children should be raised form the cradle to cock-punch mall Santas on sight for the glory of Allah.

[The Daily Telegraph via Pharyngula]

It’s the 60th birthday of the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights!  The document is a profound, positive declaration of human rights - 1948’s UN gets an A for effort.  However, the document is far from complete, and is not serving to adequately address the human rights issues of the 21st century.

For example, article 16:3 sates: “The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.”  Right now - under a banner that sounds eerily like the Declaration’s language - the Vatican is opposing a UN resolution that calls for a global decriminalization of homosexuality.  

The Declaration represents the Human Rights concerns of the western world in the post war/early cold war era.  It was a time when the untidy people were forced into the shadows, a time when women were trapped in the home,  and a time when LGBTQ people were shuttered in the closet.  It was a time when racism was accepted, a time when segregation weighed on the American South, and a time when the rampant oppression of women in the Muslim world never crossed the minds of the powerful straight European men who wrote the Declaration.  These men were concerned with the repressiveness of a one party state, the horrors of genocide, and in general sense protecting the democratic, capitalistic system of the West.  

It is a tremendous landmark in the struggle for human rights, but it is not enough.

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While a good number of religious shun modern technology, sometimes going as far as to not use modern medicine even at the expense of their children’s lives, others have decided to stop fighting against the currents of our technologically-based society and just go with the flow.

Muxlim Pal is the name of the new virtual world intended for use by Muslims that closely resembles Second Life.  The open beta for the game is currently underway and the parent site, Muxlim.com reports that the game should debut in 2009.  The site’s founder, Mohamed El-Fatatry, was careful to state that the game isn’t so much about the religion of Islam as it is about the lifestyle.  Unfortunately for the unindoctrinated, it’s somewhat difficult to separate the religion from the lifestyle when in most Muslim nations there are laws enacted by the government itself, and not a religious institution, which prohibit women from doing many of the same things men are allowed to do, and where the only legally practicable religion is that of Islam itself.

Given recent findings that show racism is just as alive in the virtual world as it is in reality, it’s not totally surprising that a group such as Islam, which has suffered a serious bout of unpopularity due to the actions of some of its more extreme members, might find it beneficial to have their own versions of certain social networks.

We here at the Profaner think it might, however, be beneficial for Islam to try and show a different side of itself to its Western neighbors rather than ghettoizing its members in their own virtual world.  In fact, given all the furry sex that seems to occur in Second Life, we definitely think that game and some of its members are in serious need of burkhas.

Hit the Jump for some of our other suggestions.

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It’s Hajj season!  Muslims are piling into Mecca in droves to get jiggy with the fifth pillar of Islam.  Since every Muslim is expected to Hajj it up once in their lifetime, about three million pilgrims find there way to Mecca every year.  Once there they engage in a fun-filled calendar of rituals including walking counter clockwise seven times around the Kabba, animal sacrifices, and a ritual stoning of the devil.

The problem with all this fun is that the Grand Mosque really isn’t big enough to accommodate all them pilgrims.  Pretty much yearly, someone dies - they die in a stampede, die in tent city blazes, or accidentally get pummeled with rocks during the stoning of the devil.

The King of Saudi Arabia isn’t about to let Mecca get too long in the tooth so he’s assembling a team of “starchitects” to draw up some plans to renovate the holy city. King Abdullah insists on a gigantic minaret that is more than 820m high.  He has decreed that it is blasphemy for Dubai to have the highest tower in the world; after all Mecca is the center of Islam and the center of Islam needs the biggest fattest cock tower on Earth.

[The Architects's Journal]