The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Are you sitting at home wishing Jesus Santa would bring you a copy of Bill O’Reilly’s new book A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity, O’Reilly’s memoir of how a little boy went from being beaten by nuns in Catholic school to abusing American culture and sexually harassing women with falafels?  Don’t worry - Parade Magazine has got you covered with a Bill O’Reilly Christmas quiz!  I totally failed the quiz because I am a godless heathen and therefore way too much a ‘communist-secular-progressive-nut’ to win “The Great American Holiday Quiz”.  Since you’re probably also a godless heathen, I put together a helpful guide to some of the tough questions on the quiz so you can take part in another great American tradition - cheating.

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People wishing to visit Washington D.C. this holiday season should be delighted to hear that a new visitor center has opened up on Capitol Hill for those wishing to see sessions of congress without having to wait in the harsh winter weather.

In a startlingly rare bit of good news, the center was originally designed without any references to a god who only represents a portion of the population… that is, until some Christians with crosses in their hands and sticks up their asses had to go and fight the constitution again by insisting that their god be included.  You know that god, forget to call him and he whines like a kid with a skinned knee.

Congressman John Boehner (pronounced Baner by the masses and Boner by the staff here at the Profaner) made a special effort at the opening ceremony to thank those responsible for getting god included.  It should be mentioned that Boehner has publicly called Barack Obama a “chicken shit” and so has about as much credibility with us as does a piece of molding Swiss cheese. We know Obama isn’t exactly an Atheist’s best friend, he’s still an awesome dude.  Newt Gingrich’s spokesperson also stated that Gingrich felt not including religious references took away from the idea of god as being central to our heritage.  It’s worth noting that Gingrich has admitted to adultery and so isn’t exactly in a position to tell anyone about god’s centrality.

[CBN News]

In the 21st century the presidential campaigns start the night after election day (or before if you’re Sarah Palin).  The Republican primary is no exception and it’s already heating up.  A new poll shows this season’s front runners to be Sarah “God will show me the way to the White House” Palin and Baptist Minister Mike “amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards” Huckabee.  If you were expecting a new more moderate Republican party you’re going to be disappointed.  34% are ready to pull the lever for Huckabee and 32% for Palin, coming in in third place is everyone’s favorite Mormon; Mitt Romney with 28%.  The honorable mention goes to Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal.  Jindal, young and relatively unknown, is an Indian-American-Super Catholic who is into faith healing and exorcism.

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I’ve been seeing this terrible book mentioned all over the right wing news media/blogosphre.  Conservatives are cum drunk about former Nazi soldier Hilmar von Campe’s dire warnings:

“There is nothing theoretical about my description of what happens when a nation throws God out of government and society, and Christians become religious bystanders. I don’t want to see a repetition. The role of God in human society is the decisive issue for this generation. My writing is part of my life of restitution for the crimes of a godless government, of the evil of which I was a part.”

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