The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Der Popenator has been busy lately; he recently declared that Gender Theory would destroy our civilization - just like the aliens from Independence Day - and now he’s embraching the 17th Century heresy of Galileo. Der Popenator, who had been criticized for seemingly condoning the Church’s persecution of the famed astronomer, celebrated the 400th anniversary of Galileo’s first telescope observations by saying that Galileo isn’t a hell-bound heathen. He said, “an understanding of the laws of nature could stimulate appreciation of God’s work.” 

He neglected to mention whether or not that appreciation covered radiometric dating, which proves that the Book of Genesis is like totally wrong. 

[BBC]

The Pope cares about lots of things: preserving the rain forest, stopping gay buttsecks, and abolishing the teaching of gender theory. Wait, what?

Apparently gender theory is now the #1 enemy of the Catholic Church - yes, even more than protestants, even more than dudes who steal communion wafers, even more than homos.

Pope Benedict XVI warned that gender theory blurs the distinction between male and female and could thus lead to the “self-destruction” of the human race.

Um, how exactly? Oh, he doesn’t explain how? Well, let’s explore some theories:

Theory #1: Gender Theory will end humankind because through it women will see their oppression, renounce the privileges they have as possessions, and demand true equality. Then, women cause workforce numbers to boom with capable female workers and the world ends because 9-to-5 working husbands are forced to cook their own dinners. Oh wait, that kinda already happened.

Theory #2: Gender Theory will end humankind because we will all become confused about our sexes, genders, and orientations and magically turn into queers. Yes, every last one of us. Then humankind will die out because there will be absolutely no way for us to reproduce…except for that whole in vitro fertilization way, which totally doesn’t count.

Obviously His Popishness is drunk on sacramental wine and no longer realizes what is in his head and what is out loud.

[BBC News] [Wikipedia]

Times are tough and millions of American men are struggling to find the perfect holiday gift at a low price. Many of these men will no doubt turn within for inspiration and give the gift of lust this holiday season. If you’re feeling like safety denies you the intimacy you seek… go get kicked in the head - then buy some Christmas Sheath condoms!  This Winter, after she unwraps your special present, wrap it right back up with a condom and shout “THIS ONE’S FOR THE POPE” before making some sweaty holiday love. 

[Condomainia]

Public Service Announcement: if you’re the kind of asshole who doesn’t like condoms, fuck you.  You may whine that a little latex means that it doesn’t feel as good, but I’m sure it feels better than herpes. If you can’t afford condoms, Planned Parenthood would love to hook you up - while you’re there get an std test too.

The Holy See has signed and ratified the Convention on Cluster Munitions.  The Convention is a treaty that bans the trade, use, and production of cluster bombs, which pose a serious threat to civilians, as they scatter unexploded sub-munitions over the battlefield which act like landmines.  The United States has refused to sign the Cluster Bomb Convention as well as The Mine Ban Treaty.  In all seriousness, map props Popenator, mad props.

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The Popenator is not satisfied with the current interfaith dialogue between Muslims and Catholics.  On Sunday he declared that:

“a true dialogue is not possible without putting one’s faith in parentheses.”

Der Popenator also called for:

“a public forum the cultural consequences of basic religious decisions.”

Since Catholicism like all religions calls for obedience to their strict moral code in their eyes all decisions are religious decisions.  I took German 101 so I can translate this out of Popenator and into English;  he can’t agree with Muslims about the whole Jesus/Mohammad thing but he can agree with them about things like destroying your right to choose and annihilating civil rights for LGBTQ people.  Isn’t it wonderful that despite their differences religions can find common ground?

In a stunning act of munificence, the Vatican has announced that over 40 years after the original comment, and almost 30 years after the artist who made it died, they are willing to let bygones be bygones and forgive John Lennon for his incredibly blasphemous (and quite possibly accurate) comment to a London newspaper in 1966 in which he stated that the Beatles were in fact more popular than Jesus.

The comment was particularly unpopular with American Christians, some of whom went so far as to destroy their Beatles albums (and then probably bought them again years later).

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