The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Amish people in Morristown, Whereverthefuck are pissed off because they somehow feel that their religion should exempt them from having to comply with building codes. Like any good Americans, they will assuage the pain of their religious discrimination by suing the pants off the town:

Eleven Amish families are suing the town of Morristown over alleged religious discrimination.The Amish contend the town refuses to issue building permits that allow them to practice their religion and build homes according to their beliefs. They claim their religious beliefs are being violated by the town forcing them to install smoke detectors in their homes, submit engineering plans and allow home inspections

Ah yes, those life-saving smoke detectors - apparently they offend the Almighty even more than visible ankles. Unless an agreement can be reached, it appears Morristown’s days as an Amish paradise will soon be coming to a close.

[Watertown Daily Times]

A federal district judge in New York has ruled that a woman can’t claim a religious exemption in her monkey meat smuggling case. Mamie Manneh was caught attempting to smuggle endangered monkey meat into the United States and has claimed that the arrest is an attack on her religious liberty to eat tasty monkey meat; Manneh Belongs to a sect of Christianity that eats monkeys for spiritual reasons.

The judge, however, did not rule that she could not kill, transport and eat our fuzzy little cousins, only that she had to apply for permits to bring her novel Eucharist substitute into the United States. The ruling only called into question the manner in which Manneh transported the monkey meat - it did not curtail her religious practice. Manneh faces up to five years in prison, which would be in additional sentence to the time she is already serving for attempting to run over a woman she thought was getting it on with her husband.

The judge’s lack of respect for her faith is appalling! Doesn’t he know that the bible teaches us to hunt monkeys to the brink of extinction, illegally smuggle their carcasses across the Atlantic ocean without regard to the laws ,and consume their flesh in memory of Jesus Christ?

[The Daily Telegraph]

George Bush isn’t satisfied at making a gloryhole in the wall of separation between church and state through which he can funnel tax money into faith-based programs - he wants to sanction their faith-based discrimination as well.

In 2007 the Department of Justice ruled that the Evangelical Christian organization World Vision could be funded through the DOJ - even though it requires all employees to adhere to a Christian statement of faith. Bush’s underlings at the Department of Labor and The Department of Health and Human Services are rushing to establish regulations that would allow a similar exemption for faith-based discrimination before Bush’s term is up.

This program would allow Christian organizations to take your money and pump it into advancing Christian ministries while broadly discriminating against the rest of the population. Put simply, while every other organization funded by the Federal Government is required to treat all workers equally and is barred from religious discrimination, these groups will receive a ‘get out of civil rights free’ card from the White House.

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If you’ve ever felt the need to proclaim your Christianity to other drivers but you feel bumper stickers have a bit too much separation of church and state for you, South Carolina has got you covered.  In June of this year, the State Legislature passed a law allowing the state to issue license plates that proclaim “I believe” next to a yellow cross.  If you feel the need to proclaim your Judaism, Hinduism, Paganism, or any other religious belief, well… you’re fucked, go buy a bumper sticker.

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The godless satanists of the University of Alberta are attempting to have a phrase that venerates god removed from the school’s convocation ceremony.  Traditionally the graduates are called upon to use all that fancy learning “for the glory of God”.  The University of Alberta Atheists and Agnostics group feels this is oxymoronic, noting that learning and god don’t really get along.  They have petitioned the committee in charge of the convocation to change the speech. The committee proposed this compromise:

“…for the uplifting of the whole people; to inspire the human spirit; for all who believe, to serve your God; and to pursue more steadfastly whatsoever things are true.”

The pinko-liberal-heathen-bastards are not satisfied that any reference to god was made in the compromise.  No doubt these little communists will not be pleased until the convocation demands that all graduates use their degrees for the greater glory of Karl Marx.

[United Press International]

The U.S. Air Force, like Tom Cruise, doesn’t like Psychology and is desperately seeking a new method to keep it’s Airmen from committing suicide when being in the Air Force makes them want to die.  After studying the world’s two most authoritative texts on suicide, The Bible and Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life, Air Force chaplin Capt. Christian Biscotti has unveiled a new program in a PowerPoint; “A New Approach To Suicide Prevention: Developing Purpose-Driven Airmen” which is required viewing at the largest U.S. Airbase in England.  This exciting new program will give sad Airmen the hot god injection they desperately need to live.

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Utah state Sen. Chris Buttars has taken a courageous stance to defend Christmas by proposing a new law that would encourage retailers to say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”.  Sen. Buttars is a brave and righteous man, the evil anti-Christmas forces will soon feast upon his beating heart.  They are also all ninjas since no one ever sees or hears these anti-Christmas warriors.  Visible foe or not, Sen. Buttars is proud to thrust throbbing Christ into every orifice that Utah law has.

[Americans United for Seperation of Church and State]

Unlike god’s chosen land of Kentucky, the ACLU refuses to recognize the role of Jesus in National Security.  All real Americans know that Jesus lead the U.S. Army on D-Day and at Gettysburg and flew a dive bomber in the battle of Midway.  Now godless pinkos dishonor Christ’s honorable war record by insisting that we obey the First Amendment.

The ACLU has sent a letter to The U.S. Naval Academy telling them they can take their mandatory lunch prayer and shove it.  Those liberal rights-loving hippie heathens over at the ACLU are tying to tell us something: blasphemous lunch just tastes better.

[ACLU]