The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

The German government is afraid that Tom Cruise’s new movie will inspire Germans to flock to the church of Scientology, thus destroying German democracy. Apparently when Tom Cruise dons poofy pants and a ridiculous eye patch he taps into the Wagnerian soul of the Deutsches Volk and his sweet song of L. Ron Hubbard resonates irresistibly with the essence of the German heart.

The German government refuses to recognize Scientology as a religion, will not grant them tax exemption, and attempted to ban it in 2007. They believe that the cult’s practices are ”a possible danger to democratic society” and aren’t taking that shit laying down - they’ve placed a sign across from Scientology HQ in Berlin reading:

“The district of Charlottenburg-Wilmersdorf expresses its opposition to the activities of the Scientology sect in this district and in Berlin, and hopes that responsible parties in Berlin will watch the Scientology sect with a critical eye in the near future, and that any new information will be made public.”

Those are some fighting words - I bet Tom Cruise is quaking in his poofy pants right now. Maybe some “responsible parties” will dig up some dirt on Scientology and the German Government can wield its mighty ban-hammer and finally run Scientology out of their country.

[The Daily Telegraph]

Scientology may be fuck-nuts, but it didn’t kill John Travolta’s son, Jett. There has been an schadenfreude orgy of coverage from the Telegraph to Gawker wondering how Scientology relates to Jett’s death. It doesn’t; the Travolta’s clearly cared more for their son than their religion, as MSNBC reports that - in direct conflict with the Church of Scientology’s stance - Jett’s condition was treated with anti seizure medication:

“They gave him an anti-seizure medication Depakote for over a year,… It extended the seizures out to over 21 days. But ultimately the attacks got closer and closer, they had to give more and more medication, and it started to cause organ damage so they stopped.”

By all indication, the Travoltas spent an incredible amount of money and time caring for their son - he was under round-the-clock care by two nannies. Whatever they may have believed, they checked their half-crazed religious ideas and took care of their son to the best of their ability.

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If you liked to laugh at Tom Cruise’s insane antics you’re probably pretty sad right now; he went back on Oprah and didn’t jump on the couch, he sort of apologized to Matt Lauer for that little lecture on psychiatry, and he even promised to stop talking so much about Scientology - it’s like an era of insane Scientology antics is coming to an end.

Well don’t worry; someone new looks to be stepping up to take on the mantle of world’s most prominent Scientologist - Will Smith. Smith has been getting pretty cozy with Cruise over the last few years, even speaking out to defend Scientology by asking, “How can I condemn someone for what they believe and I believe that God was born from a pregnant virgin?” Smith wins points here for realizing that the virgin birth is just as crazy as Scientology’s space opera religion, but looses them all (and probably his mind) by concluding that coequal insanity makes it all groovy.

Smith has recently begun to seal the deal with the Church of Scientology - first by donating a million dollars to a private scientology school last sping, and now by donating $122,500 to the Church of Scientology itself. Don’t be disheartened if he isn’t all sideshow fucknuts yet; he’s just a little theatan, he’ll reach the Tom Cruise level soon enough. It won’t be long before he too will sleep upside down in a harness (like a bat) and try to cure schizophrenia with Vicks Vaporub. WIN!

[Perez Hilton] [MSNBC]

Scientologists in Las Cruces, New Mexico are tired of haunting SciFi conventions hoping that, just maybe, liking science fiction might be the gateway to adopting it as a religion. Instead, they have dressed their propaganda up real pretty like and donated it to 3rd graders in the guise of an anti-drug campaign:

…one pamphlet specifically focuses on Ritalin, considered by Scientologists to be a harmful and “mind-altering psychiatric drug.”

Hmm…now that is funny…I had D.A.R.E. as a kid and I don’t remember learning anything about the dangers of using prescription drugs as prescribed by a qualified physician.

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A new poll shows that 34% of Britons believe in the virgin birth. This number seems staggering - until you dig up a few other statistics. Let’s take a look at what else Britons believe in:

• 21% believe in monsters
• 61% believe in aliens
• 52% believe in ghosts
• 40% believe the Apollo moon landing was a hoax

By comparison, 66% of British believing the “virgin” Mary was either made up or a slutty mcslutserson from slutsville is a pretty sweet victory for reason. This becomes even more apparent when you look at a similar poll done in America done in 2003. If you are any sort of a reasonable person, prepare for an instant aneurysm from the blatant insanity of the findings:

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Scientologists do not want you to know the details of the secret space opera involving their God - science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard - who, as I write this, is apparently off fighting the evil alien lord Xenu. Also, that is not even a joke, check out the Scientology page on Wikipedia:

Hubbard is documented to have written about past life memories. The supposed memories he describes include several stages of human evolution in terms of genetic development, lives on past planets as other life forms, and memories from the alien spirits who were purportedly trapped on Earth 75 million years ago by an entity named “Xenu”. The story of “Xenu” is kept confidential to new members of Scientology.

Following in the glorious tradition of Fight Club, the first rule of Scientology is that you do NOT talk about Scientology. If you do overcome your crippling fear of Tom Cruise’s wrath and break your silence, the Scientologists will hunt you down. They will find you, make sure your book never sees the light of day, possibly sue you and harass you with an amount of threatening letters that will make your ex look stable.

[Religious News Blog]

In a dramatic victory for hucksterism and religious freedom the German government has stopped its attempt to ban Scientology saying that it found insufficient evidence of illegal activity.

Erhart Koerting, Berlin’s top security official still voiced distaste for Scientology saying “The appraisal of the government at the moment is that (Scientology) is a lousy organization, but it is not an organization that we have to take a hammer to.”

Of course he is right you don’t need a hammer.  Like Xenu the ancient interstellar despot you must kill them by stacking their bodies near volcanoes and dropping hydrogen bombs on them.

[Associated Press]