The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

In real American fashion it’s time for you to feel better because somewhere else sucks more! When you’re unhappy because Obama says “so help me god” after Rick Warren publicly fellates a crucifix and Obama’s lady Pastor leads the nation in a pagan sex ritual, you can at least feel happy that you’re not in Afghanistan.

Far from having an informal/traditional god statement clamped on to the back of their presidential oath, theirs begins ”In the name Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate.” To make matters better, they’d probably stone or hang us all for blasphemy because we have that secular constitution of ours.

Not to worry - within a few years anti-christ Muslim atheist Barack Obama will sacrifice the congress to the lord below and unilaterally sign a new amendment that declares this country to be the Wiccan Caliphate of United Buttsecks and stone you all to death after he is inaugurated into his second term for life and swears his loyalty to the liberal-communist godhead Bill Ayers.

[Washington Post]

The nation is filling with that new president smell and a billion hopetards are swarming into Washington to celebrate the dawning anti-christ Obama apocalypse. It’s time for every media outlet ever to run an Obama story about how he’s realized King’s dream and will heal the country (but not it’s syphilis). Instead of fighting over who gets to give the new President the best media hand-job the Daily Profaner has made a special list for you - a list of three reasons Barack Obama is no friend of the godless:

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The Pacific Justice Institute, a conservative Christian activist group, is attacking UC Berkley (with a lawsuit!) over a website the University put up to promote the teaching of evolution. They allege that the website violates Separation of Church and State because it endorses religions by promoting evolution and teaching all that science/evidence/reality stuff. Institute President Brad Dacus says:

“This [website] injures religious freedom in this country… The government is playing a role that is overtly hostile to some religious groups and denominations while favoring and giving greater recognition towards others.”

His argument goes something like this:

• Religions hold different positions on evolution therefore any position on evolution is a religious position - even if it has fuckall to do with religion. If some nut has a religious position on something then EVERY opinion on it is religious.
• UC Berkley’s website is all about promoting the teaching of evolution and science due to being the godless liberal heathens they are.
• Therefore UC Berkley’s website is endorsing a religious position because some crazy fuckers don’t believe that science is real.
• Since C Berkley’s website is taxpayer-funded (because we promote science education in this country) it is state sponsorship of religion.

You know, some religions (Scientology, Christian Science, the Amish) have a religious problem with pharmaceuticals and modern medicine. Since hospitals are taking government money to give out drugs they are taking a government sponsored stance that “is overtly hostile to some religious groups and denominations while favoring and giving greater recognition towards others” every time they write a prescription. We need to stop it! Someone, quick, call Brad Dacus!

Joining the military is a scary thing; people yell at you, shave off all your beautiful hair and take you away from everything familiar. What better time to hear the good news - especially if the good news is dolled up to look like it’s an official part of your training?

For years groups have targeted new recruits at Military Entrance Processing Stations. Gideon’s International gives recruits bibles that mimic the look of military publications in order to fool recruits into thinking that the bible is endorsed by the military. Another group, In Pursuit!, declares it’s workers to be “biblical chaplains” and sends them out dressed in fatigues to speak to new recruits - no doubt in the hope that recruits won’t yet be able to tell that they aren’t real officers.

NO MORE! The pentagon is putting new regulations in place to stop Evangelists from deceiving recruits and playing dress up.

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It’s time for a refreshing glass of inauguration scandal lite - now with less Rick Warren; it’s less filling and better for you! Everyone’s favorite lawsuit atheist, Michael Newdow, is leading a whole gaggle of organizations and individuals in a lawsuit calling for the inaugural prayers and the phrase “so help me god” to be deep sixed from the inauguration.

Nedow filed a virtually identical lawsuit in 2005 that was kicked the hell out of the courts. The problem is that the inauguration is a privately-funded event, not a branch of the government that can violate the establishment clause. Also, “so help me god” isn’t part of the legal oath, it’s just a tradition - one you aren’t obliged to follow, at all.

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In Quebec, Students are required to attend a comparative religions course called “Ethics and Religious Culture”. The course teaches students about different religions and examines how they affect the culture and people who follow them. 

Naturally, Quebecois Christians are just about insane with rage that their children are learning about other cultures without being told that other cultures are full of silly hell-bound sodomites:

“Paganism and cults are offered equal status with Christianity. Witches ‘are women like any other in daily life;’… And considering that of the 80,000 ethnic aboriginals in Quebec only 700 self-identify with aboriginal spirituality (the vast majority of ethnic aboriginals are Christian), aboriginal spirituality (falsely equated with environmentalism) is accorded hugely disproportionate space and reverence.”

Oh NO! They’re teaching students about…other cultures - and not condemning them! Next thing you know they’ll teach these kids that they’re going to be OK if Jesus doesn’t love them. Where does the madness stop?

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George Bush isn’t satisfied at making a gloryhole in the wall of separation between church and state through which he can funnel tax money into faith-based programs - he wants to sanction their faith-based discrimination as well.

In 2007 the Department of Justice ruled that the Evangelical Christian organization World Vision could be funded through the DOJ - even though it requires all employees to adhere to a Christian statement of faith. Bush’s underlings at the Department of Labor and The Department of Health and Human Services are rushing to establish regulations that would allow a similar exemption for faith-based discrimination before Bush’s term is up.

This program would allow Christian organizations to take your money and pump it into advancing Christian ministries while broadly discriminating against the rest of the population. Put simply, while every other organization funded by the Federal Government is required to treat all workers equally and is barred from religious discrimination, these groups will receive a ‘get out of civil rights free’ card from the White House.

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Those funky Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) signs sure have an impact on some people; a few individuals seem so struck that they want a sign of their very own - at least that’s why we assume they keep stealing them. The FFRF’s sign in Springfield is the second sign to suffer ‘8th commandment murder’ at the hands of an anonymous individual. The sign was stolen from the Illinois Capitol building sometime between 9:45 pm Monday and 7:00 am Tuesday, as reported by the custodial crew. The Capitol Police (who guard the Capitol 24 hours a day) oddly enough, saw nothing.  The theft is being treated as a criminal matter; the thief will face a criminal charge if they are found.

As always, the Freedom From Religion Foundation will replace the sign, probably held down by more tape this time, and add in a note quoting the 8th commandment of “thou shalt not steal”. The real question has to do with this “thou shalt not steal” sign- how dare the FFRF put up a blatantly religious display?

[The State Journal-Register]

Chuck Norris is mad. Not normal roundhouse kick some stereotyped Arab terrorist guy while jerking off into an American flag in an 80’s action movie mad - he’s the sort of sad and confused mad that you can only get when the things you believe don’t make sense when you put them together. Norris is trying to speak out on the spate of new Atheist advertising that are making their way round the world. While he says he believes in free speech he desperately wants someone to shut them down:

“Please don’t misunderstand me. I am a patriot, and I believe that atheists are free to believe, speak and post whatever they want. This is America – and that’s their First Amendment right. But, to do so with harassment and hatred under the guise of free speech is despicable. An anti-religious poster filled with spite is in no way equated with a religious symbol like a nativity. Where are the politically correct police when Christians are the victims?”

Well Chuck, if you’re a patriot and love the free speech, we’re all cool then, right? Ha! To Norris, free speech is only cool when you want to hear it - if it isn’t, you try to passive-aggressively bait other people into silencing it. Besides it’s not like they’re exactly victims here; they pushed the state to allow a religious display in the capitol. In order to make that situation tenable, the state couldn’t discriminate between holiday displays. When they put the Creche in the capitol they made their manger, now they have to lie in it.

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One of the darker secrets of The Daily Profaner is our secret cadre of clandestine operatives who are sent out on dangerous missions to keep you informed.  Our Washington operative - codenamed Marguerite Duras - has risked her life to infiltrate the battle lines of the war on Christmas and bring you pictures from inside the Washington State Capitol in Olympia.  These pictures aren’t for the faint of heart; the war on Christmas is a bloody one. If you’re brave enough, hit the jump and check out the full gallery.

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