The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, myths Last!

January 22, 2009

Australian Islamic Cleric Says Islam Green Lights Raping and Beating Your Wife

Samir Abu Hamza, an Islamic cleric in Melbourne, wants to make sure that men know that no matter what the law says it’s all kinds of Islamically correct to interrupt your wife while she’s cooking for you in order to force your throbbing cock into her unwilling body: 

“If the husband was to ask her for a sexual relationship and she is preparing the bread on the stove she must leave it and come and respond to her husband, she must respond… In this country if the husband wants to sleep with his wife and she does not want to and she hasn’t got a sickness or whatever, there is nothing wrong with her she just does not feel like it, and he ends up sleeping with her by force … it is known to be as rape… Amazing, how can a person rape his wife?”

Hamza is a popular cleric who runs the Islamic Information and Services Network of Australasia in Melbourne, which offers Muslims places to pray, spiritual guidance, a gym and boxing classes. Why does Hamza offer boxing classes? So Muslim men can be well equipped to beat their wives:

“What about hitting your wife?… First of all advise them… After you have advised them (not to be disobedient) for a long, long time then you smack them, you beat them and, please, brothers, calm down, the beating the Mohammed showed is like the toothbrush that you use to brush your teeth.”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd isn’t having any of this shit and has condemned Hamza’s remarks:

“Under no circumstances is sexual violence permissible or acceptable in Australia - under no circumstances… Australia will not tolerate these sort of remarks. They don’t belong in modern Australia, and he should stand up, repudiate them and apologise.”

Now I’m totally Jealous. In our country, when some nut like Dennis Prager says that men should rape their wives, Ex-President Bush would try to give them a fancy job. Maybe now that Obama is president we can have some sexy executive proclamations like Australia’s. I won’t hold out any hope for this considering the kind of company Obama keeps.

[The Australian]

Chris Altarkation @ 9:36 am
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Celebrating Roe V. Wade, A Guide

Happy abortion holocaust day everyone! On this day a bazillion years ago women grew tired of dying for no reason and demanded complete legal control over their vajayjays. Some old white guys decided that this was cool with them, and the supreme court decision on Roe v. Wade was born (unlike so many feti since).

This court case is all that stands between Jesus and your womb, so don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate this most historic date. Here is a handy dandy list of ways you can celebrate Roe v. Wade: 

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Jacquie O'Godless @ 9:30 am
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January 19, 2009

Celebrate Sanctity of Human Life Day With Delicious Fetus Cookies!

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of creepy pro-life holiday, on which a million pro-life Christians celebrate back ally coat hanger abortions as the divine will of god. This made up holiday was invented by famous American douchebag Ronald Regan just to remind us - in case we forgot for a minute- what a total and utter tool he was.

While Sanctity of Human Life Day might have lit up the sky with the explosions of 1000 Planned Parenthood clinics across the nation, we will have a chance to respond this Thursday, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We baby-eating atheist liberals will celebrate this glorious day by purposefully getting pregnant so we can all get abortions together - just for funzies! Your Daily Profaner staff will make their own contribution by passing out delicious fetus cookies at our local fake clinic.

[Heartbeat International] [The Christian Post] [Planned Parenthood]

Jacquie O'Godless @ 10:43 am
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January 12, 2009

Stats Suggest Feminism is Kiss of Death for Religion’s Hold on Women

A pretty little graph chocked full of fancy statistics clearly shows that women just aint buying the whole religion thing like they used to. While there is an observable drop in both men and women who are taking religious orders, the men’s graph indicates a slight decline, while the women’s graph looks more like a cliff - a cliff you might want to jump off of before you ever decidide to take orders. 

So why the decline? In a word: feminism. 

For Father Rocca, the key is the emancipation of women.

Previously, he said, the socially approved options for women were either to marry and have children or join a religious order. He said it was no surprise that the orders hardest hit were those founded to teach or to nurse – two professions previously open only to unmarried women.

Oh, so now that you can have jobs you don’t want to belong to Christ’s holy harem anymore? Listen honey, he really does love you, and that Jesus is a good man. Sure, he’s silent type and you’re never sure he is listening, it might feel like he is ignoring you…but that’s just his way! 

The women’s movement and the broader choices it gave women also obviously contributed to changed attitudes about religious life, she [Sister Carol Regan] said.

Not to worry; the Church has a full-proof gameplan for getting women back in those habbits - recruit in places where feminism never happened and desperate women have no other options!

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Jacquie O'Godless @ 6:54 am
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January 9, 2009

Rick Warren Says Women Should Stay in Abusive Marriages

Rick Warren’s Saddleback church has a new marriage counseling program called “it’s just his way”, a delightful program in which battered women get told that god hates divorce, too fucking bad for you. The bible says that a woman can only get a divorce if one partner likes to bang other people or abandons their partner like a teen mother’s love child. They’re pretty broken up about it too:

“I wish there were a third in Scripture, having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse… There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, ‘If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.’”

Saddleback says maybe you should get some counseling if you’re getting abused, and if you’re getting “physically abused” you should get a “temporary separation”, but they’re isn’t having any of that namby pamby bitch got slapped and didn’t like it; a woman’s got to get beat to get a break:

“When I say physical abuse, I mean literally somebody is beating you regularly… I don’t mean they grab you once. I mean they’ve made a habit of beating you regularly.”

Don’t worry, if you’re in an abusive relationship you can still honor god’s law  - just fuck someone else! Then you can get one of those Rick-Warren-approved adultery divorces.

[Associated Baptist Press]

Correction: Associated baptist Press has released a correction that replaces the article this post drew it’s quotes from:

Editor’s note: This story updates, replaces and corrects one issued Jan. 8, which incorrectly attributed the domestic-violence comments to Warren rather than Holladay. ABP regrets the error.”

So there you go - it was really Warren’s “Teaching Pastor” that made the comments. While it was not Warren who made the remarks I feel secure in laying the responsibility for them at Warren’s feet - his church, his rules.

January 5, 2009

Help Protect Human Rights Champion Shirin Ebadi

The Iranian government raided Nobel Peace Laureate Shirin Ebadi’s Tehran Law office last week. Agents seized computers and documents containing information on her clients, most of whom are dissidents and activists fighting to liberate Iran from Islamic fundamentalism. This raid followed two other raids on organizations run by Ebadi. Fellow Peace Laureate Jody Williams fears that these raids may lead to Ebadi’s Arrest:

“There is now grave danger to both Dr. Ebadi, who fears an imminent arrest, and to her many human rights clients, whose basic human rights and lawyer/client privileges have been compromised by this seizure of their confidential files… Dr. Ebadi is deeply concerned that the lives of many dozens of people are now in jeopardy as a result of yesterday’s illegal raid.”

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Chris Altarkation @ 4:48 am
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January 2, 2009

Anti-Choice Group Harasses San Francisco With Big Lying Sign

The anti-choice group Walk for Life West Coast just bought a big-ass billboard displaying it’s slogan “abortion hurts women” right off the Bay Bridge in San Francisco. They feel the message is important because, you know, nothing hurts women more than reproductive self determination and the freedom to choose in a safe, legal and healthy manner.

The billboard also has a hot-line number on it where women can go and get lied to about abortion. I’m going to have a few drinks and give em a call, after all if they’re talking to my drunk ass they won’t be lying to women in need. If you want to call them to ask about your circumstances…at length, the number is 866-482-5433. Don’t call them and take up all their operators time so that they can’t spread their lies, that would be amazing wrong, so very wrong.

[ChristianNewsWire]

Chris Altarkation @ 6:26 am
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