The Daily Profaner: Putting Snark First, Myths Last!

Happy abortion holocaust day everyone! On this day a bazillion years ago women grew tired of dying for no reason and demanded complete legal control over their vajayjays. Some old white guys decided that this was cool with them, and the supreme court decision on Roe v. Wade was born (unlike so many feti since).

This court case is all that stands between Jesus and your womb, so don’t forget to celebrate and appreciate this most historic date. Here is a handy dandy list of ways you can celebrate Roe v. Wade: 

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Robert Bork is out predicting that a “terrible conflict” is going to empower the sodomite beast and its legions of secular gay fascists to sacrifice the beating heart of Catholicism on a Pagan altar of equality. Bork believes that the new protections - which will protect LGBTQ Americans against violence and discrimination and allow women the freedom to exercise their reproductive rights - will throw down with Jesus. “We are going to see in the near future a terrible conflict between claimed rights of homosexuals and religious freedom.” Which sounds pretty cool, I hope the pink pistols show up.

After that, he rants about how nobody calls god anymore so he is getting lonely and that we’re a society that is “now going down a path towards kind of a happy-go-lucky nihilism.” So everybody - all together now - lock your arms, skip down the street and sing along; ‘god is dead, use your head, have some fun while in your bed, cause no god’s watching to judge your acts, so stay out of church and just relax’!

[CNA]

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of creepy pro-life holiday, on which a million pro-life Christians celebrate back ally coat hanger abortions as the divine will of god. This made up holiday was invented by famous American douchebag Ronald Regan just to remind us - in case we forgot for a minute- what a total and utter tool he was.

While Sanctity of Human Life Day might have lit up the sky with the explosions of 1000 Planned Parenthood clinics across the nation, we will have a chance to respond this Thursday, on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. We baby-eating atheist liberals will celebrate this glorious day by purposefully getting pregnant so we can all get abortions together - just for funzies! Your Daily Profaner staff will make their own contribution by passing out delicious fetus cookies at our local fake clinic.

[Heartbeat International] [The Christian Post] [Planned Parenthood]

Have you strayed just a bit from your virginity pledge? In a night of drunken fondling, did you forget that you gave your word to stop at third? Perhaps you now find yourself facing a potentially awkward wedding night, but never fear - the Artificial Virginity Hymen* is here! This synthetic hymen is guaranteed to look and feel just like the real thing and even oozes a little smidge of red sludge so that your husband (read: owner) knows that you are completely his now that he has stuck his mighty er…flag into your ahem…untouched soil.

[Shreveport Times] [Gigimo] via [Jezebel]

*Now available in countries where lacking a hymen on your wedding night can get you killed!

A pretty little graph chocked full of fancy statistics clearly shows that women just aint buying the whole religion thing like they used to. While there is an observable drop in both men and women who are taking religious orders, the men’s graph indicates a slight decline, while the women’s graph looks more like a cliff - a cliff you might want to jump off of before you ever decidide to take orders. 

So why the decline? In a word: feminism. 

For Father Rocca, the key is the emancipation of women.

Previously, he said, the socially approved options for women were either to marry and have children or join a religious order. He said it was no surprise that the orders hardest hit were those founded to teach or to nurse – two professions previously open only to unmarried women.

Oh, so now that you can have jobs you don’t want to belong to Christ’s holy harem anymore? Listen honey, he really does love you, and that Jesus is a good man. Sure, he’s silent type and you’re never sure he is listening, it might feel like he is ignoring you…but that’s just his way! 

The women’s movement and the broader choices it gave women also obviously contributed to changed attitudes about religious life, she [Sister Carol Regan] said.

Not to worry; the Church has a full-proof gameplan for getting women back in those habbits - recruit in places where feminism never happened and desperate women have no other options!

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Rick Warren’s Saddleback church has a new marriage counseling program called “it’s just his way”, a delightful program in which battered women get told that god hates divorce, too fucking bad for you. The bible says that a woman can only get a divorce if one partner likes to bang other people or abandons their partner like a teen mother’s love child. They’re pretty broken up about it too:

“I wish there were a third in Scripture, having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse… There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, ‘If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.’”

Saddleback says maybe you should get some counseling if you’re getting abused, and if you’re getting “physically abused” you should get a “temporary separation”, but they’re isn’t having any of that namby pamby bitch got slapped and didn’t like it; a woman’s got to get beat to get a break:

“When I say physical abuse, I mean literally somebody is beating you regularly… I don’t mean they grab you once. I mean they’ve made a habit of beating you regularly.”

Don’t worry, if you’re in an abusive relationship you can still honor god’s law  - just fuck someone else! Then you can get one of those Rick-Warren-approved adultery divorces.

[Associated Baptist Press]

Correction: Associated baptist Press has released a correction that replaces the article this post drew it’s quotes from:

“Editor’s note: This story updates, replaces and corrects one issued Jan. 8, which incorrectly attributed the domestic-violence comments to Warren rather than Holladay. ABP regrets the error.”

So there you go - it was really Warren’s “Teaching Pastor” that made the comments. While it was not Warren who made the remarks I feel secure in laying the responsibility for them at Warren’s feet - his church, his rules.

Our very own Jacquie O’Godless was profiled as a Featured Feminist on the blog Feminist Fatale. In addition to being an outspoken atheist, Jacquie is a committed anarcha-feminist - she’s coming for your hetero-normative class privilege! You can read the article here.

[Feminist Fatale]

The Christian anti-choice group American Life League has won in it’s Stop Planned Parenthood campaign, they’ve gotten Planned Parenthood to close the last of it’s clinics in the Texas Panhandle. Planned Parenthood is the nations single largest women’s health provider and the nations leading provider of free reproductive health services. The group has campaigned for over a decade to close the region’s PP clinics, mainly by attacking their funding. They have announced that as of Dec 31st the last two PP clinics in the Texas panhandle will close.

The groups leader, Jim Sedlak, promises that if your city is “determined” then you too can rid it of women’s and sexual health so that your community can get all kinds of pregnant and std ridden the way Jesus intended.

[One News Now]

‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’ could easily be the mantra of ex-sex worker Annie Lobért, who continues to style herself in the call girl fashion - complete with bleached hair and neon pink lipstick - so that other call girls are able to better relate with her while she tells them the good news about Jesus Christ.

Annie Lobért is the founder of Hookers for Jesus, a “nondenominational, faith-based organization reaching out to men and women (adults, teens, and children) who are currently associated with or working as prostitutes, porn stars, pimps, and exotic dancers in order to help them transition successfully out of the sex industry.”

Annie and her team proselytize old school JC style, going to the areas most frequented by sinners (read: Vegas). In January, Lobért and her team will hit the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas (expected to draw 40,000 attendees) to save the souls of the womenz who haz the sex for the moniez.

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Dennis Prager has some marital advice for all you ladies out there - spread your fucking legs. You thought your husband wanted companionship and love? Wrong! Your husband is a fuckmachine and needs it every hour on the hour. Oh, and remember this: It’s not really rape just because you don’t want it; you should submit to your husband anyway, like a good wife.

…rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood.

Also, don’t judge your husband for making you his glorified pleasure doll; this is just how god made him, which makes it all a-ok!

Compared to most womens sexual nature, mens sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much.

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