I’m sorry to let you all down, but The Daily Profaner is selling out to the Holiday Machine. Unlike some people, we’re not embracing Jesus - we just want to drink and party over the holiday weekend. Thus, we won’t be putting up that many posts until Monday. It truly sadness me to leave you snarkless for that long -thankfully liquor will numb my pain. You can numb yours by reading our old posts. Maybe if I hit rock bottom and have a moment of clarity, I’ll put down the scotch and write something. Until then, we’re going to exploit Christmas in order to be a bunch of debaucherous drunks.
From all of us at The Daily Profaner, have a nice extended weekend, don’t work - at all. After all, laziness tis’ da reason foda season.
While evil apostates would have you believe that Christmas actually has its roots in a heathen Pagan celebration, true Christians know the real reason for the season - making an ass out of yourself.
Members of Praise Chapel Fellowship Church getting gussied up in their Christ impersonator costumes and hitting their local malls with the intention of reminding people that Christmas is about Jesus, not shopping. When at the mall, Jesus does what any of us would: Laze around in the massage chairs at Brookstones, grab a latte, and try not to lech at the Victoria’s Secret display.
Are you tired of the aural rape that is Christmas music penetrating your ears whenever you go out in public? Do you long for a winter free from religion so that you can enjoy the long nights and trench-coat-friendly weather without having a candy cane jammed up your ass? Then it’s time to take the season back - for industrial/goth culture! Lore Sjöberg of Bad Gods has the perfect weapon for you - a medley of Nine Inch Nails songs set to the tunes of Christmas carols:
So get your merry band of rivetheads together and carol the night away. After all, there’s no better cure for the Christmas spirit than singing “I wanna fuck you like an animal” in front of a Church.
Your faithful Daily Profaner staff present you with yet another reason to abstain from Christmas celebration: you are killing the earth you fuckers!
Consider all the useless Christmas cards you will throw away, all the wrapping paper that will clog trash cans everywhere, the ridiculous over-packaging of all of the gifts you give and receive, the fuel it takes to transport said gifts over from China where another child is slaving to create your child’s shiny new toys, and the blatant waste of electricty via decorative Christmas tree lights.
Check out some Holiday season waste statistics from the UK for 2006:
America’s favorite blowhard, Christopher Hitchens, is shooting off his big mouth again to make sure everyone knows he is a pretentious dick and to say a little something about Christmas. The thing that irks Hitchens most about Christmas? The hideous decorations and obnoxious carols, which (I must agree) are an affront to both thinking minds and good taste everywhere. Also, he does not want his tax money used for said insults to taste.
If the totalitarians cannot bear to abandon their adoration of their various Dear Leaders, can they not at least arrange to hold their ceremonies in private? Either that or give up the tax-exempt status that must remind them so painfully of the things of this material world.
Megyn Kelly bravely went on The O’Reilly Factor to discuss the sad state of Washington State Capitol and its plethora of signs. Kelly believes the governor is justified in cutting off new display applications due to lack of space, whereas Bill somehow feels this proves he was right all along and that all displays should be removed (except for that Christian one). In reality, both of them are wrong.
Go ahead and watch the clip anyway because, as the Friendly Atheist points out, it’s always entertaining to see people shout “You are so wrong” at Bill O’Reilly - just as you have so many times from the comfort of your own home.
In case you guys were somehow able to forget for two seconds, it’s the fucking holiday season. All of your relatives are surely well into their annual sport of pestering you with their various religiously-themed holiday cards - but this year you can finally pester them back with your vary own Atheistical holiday cards, which are now officially the worst insult to Christmas, ever.
Fag-hating Jesus hero Fred Phelps and the cast of lovable wacky characters who attend his church had a little sign of their own they wanted to put up at Washington’s State Capitol. Since that wasn’t happening, they decided to make a fly music video to inform us all that our dangerous Santa worship will send us strait to hell, where there will be no Christmas, just Baby Got Back on loop, forever and ever.
Christmas cheer is all around as we approach the gluttonous, consumerist holiday known better as the birthday of Jesus. Everyone seems to be getting in the spirit of the holiday - even the sex industry: there are Christmas-themed condoms, Christmas-themed vibrators, and now…Christmas-themed Playboy! Looks like the virgin/whore dichotomy is a thing of the past - please welcome the horrifying conjoined twin they have evolved into, who’s lifeless eyes and extensive airbrushing make her look more like a RealDoll then an actual woman.
Whoops! Looks like that cover with model Maria Florencia Onori portraying the virgin Mary got your nudie mag into a bit of trouble there, Hef. It probably didn’t help that this was released in Mexico, just before the Mexican celebration of The Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe. At least you can take comfort that Bill O’Reilly loves Jesus, Christmas, and women so much that he is, in all likelyhood, jerking it to your porny MILF Mary right now.
Are you tired of the aural rape that is Christmas music penetrating your ears whenever you go out in public? Do you long for a winter free from religion so that you can enjoy the long nights and trench-coat-friendly weather without having a candy cane jammed up your ass? Then it’s time to take the season back - for industrial/goth culture! Lore Sjöberg of 
Your faithful Daily Profaner staff present you with yet another reason to abstain from Christmas celebration: you are killing the earth you fuckers!
